Famous Last Words

   Well folks, this is it. Famous Last Words will be the last word for me. I am going to take a much-needed hiatus from writing our beloved Lightnin' Lowdown to fully concentrate on finishing my new CD. Over the last three years, I have relished writing these rants, and I hope you have enjoyed reading them. The Lightnin' Lowdown has been a lot of hard work, but a real joy for me; a labor of love. There's something special about sharing laughter with others, and I hope the Lowdown has made you laugh. Out loud. Maybe some have even made you cry. This has been my intent from the beginning. My intent as a writer has been the same as my intent as a musician, and that is, simply, to make you feel. Not necessarily to make you laugh, or cry, or get angry, but to communicate; to convey feeling. Strangely, we humans need this to constantly remind ourselves of our shared humanity. And I hope that, in sharing my beliefs, my loves, and my life with you, that you think of me now, in this our final chapter, as a brother and a friend. Lightnin' Bugs certainly realize by now that I believe we are here to help others, but I am not sure what the others are here for.

   Singer and harmonica player extraordinaire, Sugar Ray Norcia has a song on his new record called "The Last Words Of A Fool", in which he playfully tells of an assortment of idiots, all violently deceased, saying "watch this!" just before they go. The various causes of death are popping wheelies on bikes, crushing cans against their heads, and going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Their last words as living beings are "watch this!". Here is a bit of it:

   He said, "Hey Man, watch this!", as he crushed a can upon his head

   He must've hit a soft spot, for now the fool is dead
   That something could go wrong, to him never did occur

   It all ended there with those famous last words

   "Hey Man, watch this! Look what I'm about to do!"

   People don't you know? These are the last words of a fool

   I have collected a large mess of last words, some from famous people, some from fools. Some are poignant and some are preposterous. Some are very wise and others are hilariously stupid. There are last words of Presidents, and last words of condemned criminals. I've always been fascinated by reading the last words of people, some of whom knew they were dying and others who had no idea. Where there is a difference of opinion as to the exact last words of a person, due to differing accounts and recollections of those present, I have included the one that is the most appropriate to the source and the most poetic, if you will. One thing I've learned in writing the Lightnin' Lowdown is that, when in doubt, go for the laugh. Here goes...

Abimelech, Judge of Israel (Judges 9:50–55)
"Draw your sword and kill me, so they can't say, 'A woman killed him.'"
Abimelech said these words to his armor-bearer during the siege of Thebez after a woman dropped an upper millstone from the wall onto his head, cracking his skull. The armor-bearer complied, killing him with his sword.

John Adams (1735-1826)
"Thomas Jefferson still survives."
John Adams, the second United States President, also died on the fiftieth anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. Following his presidency, Adams retired to his farm and began a lengthy correspondence with Thomas Jefferson that would last over twenty-five years.  Although in his nineties and gravely ill, he resolved to live until the fiftieth anniversary of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1826. That morning, Adams was awakened by his servant who inquired, "Do you know what day it is?" "Oh, yes," Adams replied, "It is the glorious fourth of July. God bless it. God bless you all." He then lapsed into unconsciousness. Later that afternoon, he awakened briefly to mumble "Thomas Jefferson still surv . . . . " before dying. Actually, Thomas Jefferson had died earlier that day.

John Quincy Adams (1767-1848)
"This is the last of Earth! I am content."
John Quincy Adams, sixth United States President (1825-1829), collapsed on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives, of a stroke. He died two days later, with his wife and children at his side, in the Speaker's Room inside the Capitol Building. Adams had become a U.S. Representative from the 11th District of Massachusetts after his presidency.

Alex the African Grey Parrot
"You be good. See you tomorrow. I love you."
Alex was used in comparative psychology research at Brandeis University. Spoken to his handler, Dr. Irene Pepperberg (Dr. Pepperberg???), when she put him into his cage for the night; Alex was found dead the next morning.

Alexander the Great (356 BC-323 BC)
"To the strongest!"
Alexander the Great was one of the most successful military commanders in history, and was undefeated in battle. By the time of his death, he had conquered most of the world known to the ancient Greeks. These last words were in response to his generals asking the heirless Alexander to whom the empire would belong to after his death.

Ethan Allen (1738-1789)
"Waiting, are they? Waiting, are they? Well, let 'em wait!"
Ethan Allen was an early American revolutionary and guerilla leader during the American Revolution. After being shot, a doctor told him, "General, I fear that the angels are waiting for you."

Marie Antoinette (1755-1793)
"Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose."
As she approached the guillotine, convicted of treason and about to be beheaded, she accidentally stepped on the foot of her executioner.

Archimedes (287 BC-212 BC)
"Don't disturb my circles!"
Archimedes was a Greek mathematician, physicist, engineer, inventor, and astronomer. This was said in response to a Roman soldier who was forcing him to report to the Roman general after the capture of Syracuse, while he was busy sitting on the ground proving geometry theorems. The soldier killed him despite specific instructions not to.

Lady Astor (1879-1964)
"Am I dying or is this my birthday?"
Lady Astor was the first female Member of Parliament. Noted for her biting wit, she occasionally got into verbal spats with Winston Churchill. She spoke her last words when, on her deathbed, she momentarily awoke to find herself surrounded by her entire family.

Jane Austen (1775-1817)
"I want nothing but death."
Jane Austen was a British novelist whose realism, biting social commentary, and masterful use of free indirect speech, burlesque, and irony have earned her a place as one of the most widely-read and best-loved writers in British literature. Early in 1816, due to what is now thought to be Addison's disease, Austen's physical condition began a long, slow, and irregular deterioration culminating in her death the following year.

Phineas Taylor "P. T." Barnum (1810-1891)
"How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?"
Entrepreneur P. T. Barnum was an American showman who is best remembered for his entertaining hoaxes, and for founding the circus that eventually became the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Just before his death, he gave permission to the Evening Sun to print his obituary, so that he might have a chance to read it. After reading his own obituary, he asked about the box office receipts for the day; a few hours later, he was dead.

L. Frank Baum (1856-1919)
"Now I can cross the Shifting Sands."
As author of The Wizard Of Oz, Baum was referring to the Shifting Sands, the impassable desert surrounding the Land of Oz.

Todd Beamer (1968-2001)
"Let's roll."
Passenger on United Flight 93, Todd was killed on September 11, 2001. These are his last recorded words, coming at the end of a cell phone call before Beamer and others attempted to storm the doomed airliner's cockpit to retake it from hijackers who were part of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Heroes Beamer and the others caused the plane to crash in a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania, rather than into the terrorists' intended target, The White House.

Thomas Becket (1118-1170)
"If all the swords in England were pointed against my head, your threats would not move me."
Thomas Becket, the Archbishop Canterbury, to his killers. He is venerated as a saint and martyr.

Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)
"Now comes the mystery."
Henry Ward Beecher, brother of Harriet Beecher Stowe, was a fervent abolitionist and one of the most influential American clergymen of the 1800's.  His down-to-earth sermons and outspoken moral earnestness helped make him "the most famous man in America." 

Lawrence Beeter
"Maybe they only had one rocket..."
A World War II British soldier, Beeter was taking cover in a bunker alongside other soldiers. After an enemy artillery blast barely missed them, Beeter said these last words to his comrades. A second volley destroyed the bunker and Beeter was killed.

Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)
"Pity, pity . . . too late!"
Ludwig van Beethoven, a German composer, was one of the world's greatest musical geniuses, despite losing his hearing. Beethoven spoke his last words from his deathbed when told of a recent gift of twelve bottles of wine. Some sources have listed his last words as, "I shall hear in heaven", but this is almost certainly myth. Likewise, the popular belief that his last words were: "Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est" ("Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over"), the typical conclusion to performances of Italian stage tragedies.

Humphrey DeForest Bogart (1899-1957)
"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."
Humphrey Bogart was an Academy Award-winning American actor and film star. In 1999, the American Film Institute named him the Greatest Male Star Of All Time. Some of Bogart's most notable films include The Maltese Falcon (1941), Casablanca (1942), To Have And Have Not (1944), The Big Sleep (1944), Key Largo (1948), The African Queen (1951), The Caine Mutiny (1954), and many more. He married co-star Lauren Bacall. Bogie's illustrious career spanned seventy-five motion pictures during the heyday of Hollywood.

John Wilkes Booth (1838-1865)
"Tell my mother I did it for my country . . . (looking at his hands) Useless, useless."
John Wilkes Booth was an American stage actor who, as part of a conspiracy plot, assassinated Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, at Ford's Theatre in Washington, D.C. on April 14, 1865. Lincoln died the next day from a single gunshot wound to the back of the head, becoming the first American president to be assassinated. Booth was chased into Virginia by a detachment of Union soldiers. He was cornered in a barn and the barn set afire. Booth came out, but was fired upon — whether orders to shoot were given is uncertain — and was fatally wounded in the neck. Booth was dragged from the barn and died three hours later, at age 26, on the porch of the Garrett farmhouse. The bullet had severed his spinal cord, paralyzing him. In his last dying moments, he reportedly whispered, "Tell my mother I did it for my country," and asked for both his hands to be raised to his face so he could see them. He looked at them and uttered his final words, "Useless, useless," and died as dawn was breaking.

Dominique Bouhours (1628-1702)
"I am about to . . . or I am going to . . . die. Either expression is correct."
Dominique Bouhours was a French grammarian, at it till the end.

John Brown (1800-1859)
"I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood. I had, as I now think vainly, flattered myself that without very much bloodshed it might be done."
John Brown was a white American abolitionist who advocated and practiced armed insurrection as a means to abolish slavery. He led the unsuccessful raid at Harper's Ferry, VA in 1859 where slaves refused to join with him or aid him. He was captured and tried for treason against the state of Virginia and was hanged, but his behavior at the trial seemed heroic to millions of Americans. Southerners alleged that his rebellion was the tip of the abolitionist iceberg and represented the wishes of the Republican Party, but those charges were vehemently denied by the Republicans. Historians agree that the Harpers Ferry raid in 1859 escalated tensions that a year later led to secession and the eventual War Between the States. John Brown's last words were not spoken, but written on a note and handed to a guard right before his execution.

James Buchanan (1791-1868)
"Whatever the result may be, I shall carry to my grave the consciousness that at least I meant well for my country."
James Buchanan was the fifteenth President of the United States (1857-1861). To date he is the only President from Pennsylvania and the only President never to marry. Historically, Buchanan has taken a beating due to his refusal to act decisively regarding the pre-war insurrection in "Bloody Kansas" and the impending secession of Southern states.

Aaron Burr (1756-1836)
"On that subject I am coy."
Aaron Burr, Jr. was an American politician, Revolutionary War hero, and adventurer. He served as the third Vice President of the United States under Thomas Jefferson (1801–1805). He was also a longtime political rival of Alexander Hamilton. Taking umbrage at remarks made by Hamilton at a dinner party and angered by Hamilton's subsequent failure to account for the remarks, Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel on July 11, 1804, at the Heights Of Weehawken in New Jersey (where Hamilton's son Philip was mortally wounded). Hamilton agreed. Arguably the most famous duel in U.S. history, it had immense political ramifications. Burr, who survived the duel, was indicted for murder in both New York and New Jersey (though these charges were either later dismissed or resulted in acquittal), and the harsh criticism and animosity directed towards him brought about an end to his political career in the East, though he remained a popular figure in the West and South. Burr was a notorious atheist. His last words were a response to the efforts of his friend, Reverend P. J. Van Pelt, to get Burr to acknowledge that there was a God.

Julius Caesar (100 BC-44 BC)
"Et tu, Brute?"
Translation: Even you, Brutus, my son?
Attributed to him by Shakespeare's famous play; his real last words are unknown. There is actually a little more to the quote. The full quote is: "Et tu, Brute? Then fall, Caesar." The entire quote means "Even (And) you, Brutus? Then all hope is lost and I shall fall." He thought Brutus would be on his side, but discovering Brutus has stabbed him, gives up all hope of salvation.

Caligula (12-41)
"Vivo!"
Translation: I live!
Caligula (Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus), Roman Emperor, as he was being murdered by his own soldiers.

Giacomo Casanova (1725-1798)
"I have lived as a philosopher, and die as a Christian."
Casanova was a Venetian adventurer and author. His autobiography is regarded as one of the most authentic sources of the customs and norms of European social life during the 18th century. So famous a womanizer was the Italian-born libertine Giacomo Casanova that, a full two centuries after his death, his name remains synonymous with the art of seduction.

Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
"Why not?  After all, it belongs to Him."
Many consider Chaplin to be cinema's greatest comedian. When the priest, who was attending him on his deathbed, said, "May the Lord have mercy on your soul," Chaplin quickly replied, "Why not? After all, it belongs to Him."

Charles I (1600-1649)
"I go from a corruptible to an incorruptible Crown, where no disturbance can be, no disturbance in the world. Remember!"
Charles I was King of England, King of Scotland, and King of Ireland until his execution by beheading in 1649. King Charles spoke these words with his head on the executioner's block. It was common practice for the head of a traitor to be held up and exhibited to the crowd with the words "Behold the head of a traitor!" Although Charles's head was exhibited, the words were never used. In an unprecedented gesture, one of the revolutionary leaders, Oliver Cromwell, allowed the King's head to be sewn back on his body so the family could pay its respects. Sew there!

Robert Childers (1870-1922)
"Take a step or two forward, lads. It'll be easier that way."
Robert Erskine Childers was an author and Irish Nationalist who was executed by the authorities of the newly independent Irish Free State during the Irish Civil War. His last words, spoken to his firing squad Before his execution, in a spirit of reconciliation, Childers obtained a promise from his then 16-year-old son, the future President Erskine Hamilton Childers, to seek out and shake the hand of every man who had signed his father's death warrant. The condemned Childers did shake hands with each member of the firing squad that was about to execute him. His last words, spoken to them, were (characteristic of Childers) in the nature of a joke: "Take a step or two forward, lads. It'll be easier that way."

Fredric Chopin (1810-1849)
"The Earth is suffocating. Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive."
Chopin was a Polish virtuoso pianist and piano composer of the Romantic period. He is widely regarded as the greatest Polish composer, and one of the most influential composers for piano in the 19th century.

Christine Chubbock (1944-1974)
"In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first . . . attempted suicide."
On July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, 30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbock said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head (While she drew the gun on camera, the technicians quickly cut the video feed, but the gunshot could be clearly heard). She was pronounced dead at the hospital fourteen hours later.

Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I'm bored with it all."
 Known chiefly for his leadership of Great Britain during World War II, he served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1940 to 1945 and again from 1951 to 1955. A noted statesman, orator, and strategist, Churchill was also an officer in the British Army. A prolific author, he won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1953 for his historical writings.

Cleopatra (69 BC-30 BC)
"So here it is!"
Cleopatra was the legendary Hellenistic ruler of Egypt, originally sharing power with her father Ptolemy XII and later with her brothers/husbands Ptolemy XIII and Ptolemy XIV; eventually gaining sole rule of Egypt. Brothers/husbands? Sounds like an ancient version of the Jerry Lee Lewis family tree to me. As Pharaoh, she consummated a liaison with Julius Caesar that solidified her grip on the throne, and, after Caesar's assassination, aligned with Mark Antony, with whom she produced twins. In all, Cleopatra had four children, one by Julius Caesar and three by Mark Antony. Then she moved to New York, became a senator, and ran for the Presidency of the United States! Whoops . . . sorry, honest mistake. Anyway, her unions with her brothers produced no children. Her reign marks the end of the Hellenistic Era and the beginning of the Roman Era in the eastern Mediterranean. She was the last Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt (her son by Julius Caesar, Caesarion, ruled in name only before Augustus, Caesar's other son, had Caesarion, his step-brother, executed, saying famously, "Two Caesars are one too many."). And we've got a salad named after these people? So after Antony and Cleopatra was defeated by their rival (Cleo's stepson and Caesar's legal heir and son, Gaius Julius Caesar Octavian, who later became Augustus, the first Roman Emperor), Cleopatra committed suicide. She accomplished this feat, her last seduction, by enticing an asp (snake) to bite her. This is all much too much for me, and is the reason that I am not a registered Democrat today. Cleopatra's last recorded words were upon seeing the asp. So much for advanced civilizations.

Del Close (1934-1999)
"Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room."
Improviser, teacher and comedian, Del Close influenced and tutored many up-and-coming comedians during his tenure at Second City and Saturday Night Live, such as John Belushi, Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Mike Myers, John Candy, Chris Farley, etc. Before passing away, Close requested that his skull be given to the Goodman Theatre for use in their Hamlet productions, on the condition that he/his skull should receive credit in the program as Yorick. However, in 2006 it was revealed that an alternate skull was given to the Goodman instead. There's a theater with good taste.

Sam Cooke (1931-1964)
“Lady, you shot me!”
Sam Cooke, my favorite singer of all time, was shot and killed by an ex-convict hotel night clerk named Bertha Franklin and a prostitute named Elisa Boyer. Miss Franklin claimed Sam Cooke was attacking her, and was going to rape her, and she shot him three times with her 22-caliber pistol. Then Sam spoke his last words. But Sam Cooke wasn't the first man Bertha Franklin had shot at the Hacienda hotel. Bertha had a history of shooting men at the Hacienda that were trying to "attack her", and one look at her picture below should prove her irresistibility to everyone.

On the night of December 11, 1964, Sam Cooke was introduced to an attractive young woman named Elisa Boyer at Martoni's, an upscale Italian restaurant on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood. After Sam and Elisa hit it off, and after stopping for a few drinks at PJ's on Santa Monica Blvd, they left in Sam's Ferrari, apparently seeking a place for romance. But instead of stopping at any of the hundreds of hotels in Hollywood, Sam drove 17 miles to a dumpy, $3 per night hotel in South-Central Los Angeles called The Hacienda. Locals knew the Hacienda Hotel as a notorious hangout for pimps and prostitutes. Sam and Elisa arrived, checked in, and went to their room in the back. A few minutes later, Sam appeared back at the office, looking furiously for Miss Boyer, and trying to get Bertha Franklin to call the police. Instead, Bertha Franklin shot him three times in the chest. When he didn't die quickly enough to suit her, she beat him in the head with a broom handle.

When police arrived, Sam Cooke was dead, minus his pants, credit cards, and the wad of cash witnesses from PJ's say was well over $1000. Elisa Boyer told police that Sam had abducted her, taking her to this hotel despite her repeatedly "begging him to take me home". Once inside the room, he began assaulting her and tried to violently rape her. She managed to escape though (along with Sam's pants and cash), and as Sam was pursuing her, good old Bertha Franklin shot and killed him. Just another night at the office for Miss Boyer and Miss Franklin. A typical night's work for professional rollers like Miss Boyer consisted of meeting men in some swanky bar, luring them to a particular hotel, and while they're in bed or in the bathroom, take their pants, shoes and money, and beat it. This is standard practice for hookers. Men call it getting "rolled". Prostitutes call it "grab and dash". But, on the night of December 11, 1964, it was grand theft and first-degree murder. Most victims of "rollers" can't or won't pursue their assailant, since he's guilty of being with a prostitute, plus he's without pants and shoes. In this case, the hotel clerk was there to make sure she got away. Miss Franklin's part in this filthy enterprise was to provide a safe haven for the prostitute to lure her victim to, and then, most importantly, to see to it that the prostitute escaped with the cash.

On the night of the murder, Bertha Franklin and Elisa Boyer were both questioned and released by the LAPD investigators. No one was ever charged with Sam's murder, and his tragic death remains a mystery. Elisa Boyer, who during her frightful escape from Sam the rapist, somehow managed to take possession of his pants and wallet, told police she had inadvertently taken Cooke's clothing in her rush to get out of the room. This, of course, made perfect sense to investigators who believed their stories, and no arrests were made.

Exactly one month later, on January 11, 1965, after being "kidnapped, assaulted, and almost raped" by Sam Cooke, Elisa Boyer was arrested at, you guessed it, Bertha Franklin's Hacienda Hotel, for, you guessed it again, offering to have sex with an undercover officer for $40. This time, she was arrested and charged with prostitution. And if $40 seems cheap, keep in mind that the price she quoted really didn't matter since Elisa and Bertha were going to get away with the victim's entire wallet and pants anyway. But wait. Poor Miss Boyer claimed she was "entrapped" by police, and was, of course, again set free by the Los Angeles "Justice" System, and charges were, naturally, dropped.

After a public outcry about the murder of Sam Cooke, the District Attorney and the LAPD held an official inquest to look deeper into the matter. At the inquest, Elisa Boyer claimed that Sam Cooke had kidnapped her, drove her to the motel against her will (although she accompanied Sam into the hotel office to register as "Mr. and Mrs. Sam Cooke", and even Miss Franklin testified that Boyer didn't appear to be in the midst of an abduction), and once inside the room, Sam began yelling at her, ripping off her clothes, and tried to forcibly rape her. But she was able to escape when he "went to the bathroom." Do rapists generally stop to relieve themselves when in the middle of a violent crime? I ask this now, but it was never asked of Miss Boyer. According to their testimony, Sam Cooke then ran outside to the motel office, wearing his jacket and a towel wrapped around him, attacking and presumably intending to forcibly rape the ugly-as-an-ape Miss Franklin. Their assertion that the rich, famous, thirty-three year old superstar Sam Cooke kidnapped and attempted to rape one woman, then was shot, beaten, and killed while assaulting and attempting to rape the fat, fifty-five year old pig, Bertha Franklin, apparently made perfect sense to the sharp-as-nails LAPD and district attorney, and neither Bertha Franklin nor Elisa Boyer were even cross-examined by the D.A. at the inquest.

No charges have ever been filed in the death of Sam Cooke. Bertha Franklin, the murderess, seeking justice and reparations, successfully sued Sam's estate for $200,000 in compensation for injuries sustained that night. She was eventually awarded $30,000. Naturally. In 1979, Elisa Boyer was found guilty of second-degree murder in the shooting death of her lover, Louis Reynolds. She claimed Reynolds had "attacked her with a chair". She received an indeterminate sentence of two to five years in the California Institution for Women at Frontera; classic case of too little, too late. Here are photographs of the two mongrels that murdered Sam Cooke, the singer's singer. Here's Elisa Boyer and Bertha Franklin, at the time of Sam Cooke's murder. Note the smug, smiling face of Bertha Franklin who had just silenced one of the greatest voices in the history of popular music. Doesn't she look proud? Pride in one's profession is a beautiful thing. Well, pride goeth before a fall. She was found dead in a Michigan hooker house eighteen months after Sam's murder. Alas, too little, too late.

             
  Elisa Boyer                                  Bertha Franklin

Lou Costello (1906-1959)
"That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted!"
One half of the very successful comedy team of Abbott and Costello, remembered most for their Who's On First? routine, said these words just before collapsing from a massive heart attack. But what a way to go!

Joan Crawford (1905-1977)
"Damn it! Don't you dare ask God to help me."
Joan Crawford was an Academy Award-winning American actress, but not exactly a joy to be around. The American Film Institute named Crawford among the Greatest Female Stars of All Time, ranking her at number 10. I wonder what Miss Crawford's rank would be as a human being. Crawford's angry last words were directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.

Bing Crosby (1904-1977) 
"It was a great game, fellers."
Bing Crosby had just sunk his final putt during a game of golf at La Moraleja golf course near Madrid, Spain, when he turned to the spectators and acknowledged their applause by saying, "It was a great game, fellers." As he turned to walk to the clubhouse, he collapsed and was carried inside by his three golfing partners. There, a physician unsuccessfully tried to resuscitate him.

George Armstrong Custer, General (1839-1876)
"Hurrah Boys! Let's get these last few Reds, then head on back to camp! Hurrah!"
Custer was a cadet at West Point, graduating last in his class, then a U.S. Army officer and cavalry commander in the War Between the States and later in the Indian Wars. He was defeated and killed at the Battle Of Little Bighorn in 1876, being surprised by a huge army of enemy Sioux, Cheyenne, and Arapaho warriors, led by Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull. This battle is popularly known in American history as Custer's Last Stand.

Leon Czolgosz (1873-1901)
"I killed the President because he was the enemy of the good people, the good working people. I am not sorry for my crime . . . (through clenched teeth) I am sorry I could not see my father."
An anarchist from the cradle, Czolgosz assassinated President William McKinley, and was executed in 1901. He said the second line as he was being strapped to the electric chair. The case of Czolgosz illustrates my firm belief that we, as a nation, should not allow anyone to enter, that has two non-consecutive 'Z's in their last name.

Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer (1960-1994)
"I don't care if I live or die. Go ahead and kill me."
Convicted of murdering seventeen men and boys between 1978 and 1991, with the majority of the murders occurring between 1989 and 1991, Dahmer's crime spree was highly publicized and particularly gruesome, involving rape, necrophilia, and cannibalism. Fellow prisoner, Christopher Scarver, who beat Dahmer to death with a "preacher bar" (part of a weight machine), reported that these were his last words. It's such a shame that Dahmer was never allowed to enjoy the benefits of rehabilitation and a chance at being returned into society.

Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
"Where is my clock?"
Dali was a very popular and influential Spanish surrealist painter.

Georges Jacques Danton (1759-1794)
"Show my head to the people. It is worth seeing."

Danton was the acknowledged leader of the French Revolution. Sentenced to death by guillotine, he said these words to the executioner as he placed his neck in the guillotine.

James Dean (1931-1955)
"That guy's got to stop . . . he'll see us."

In his new Porsche, James Dean and a stuntman sped off to a weekend racing event in Salinas, California. They were soon stopped by a patrol car near Bakersfield, and Dean received a ticket for speeding. Two hours later, still speeding along a dark, two-lane highway, Dean saw a car begin to turn onto the road ahead and spoke his last words. The other guy, of course, did not stop and Dean's Porsche slammed into the other vehicle, killing Dean instantly. His passenger was seriously injured when thrown from the car. The driver of the other vehicle, a 23-year-old college student, suffered only minor injuries.

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)
" . . . the fog is rising."
Emily Dickinson was one of the greatest and most prolific American poets, yet she published only seven poems, all anonymously, during her lifetime. She was born and died in the same house in Amherst, Massachusetts. In between, she left her hometown only a handful of times, and after 1872, she seldom ventured out her house or yard. A rather outgoing young girl, she retreated into a tighter circle of family and friends, as she grew older, and communicated primarily through cryptic letters and fragments of poetry. Even during her terminal illness, Bright's Disease (a old term that included a variety of kidney problems), she only permitted her physician to perform examinations by watching through a partially closed door. She died on May 15, 1886, after lapsing in and out of consciousness for several days. It is possible that her last words referred to a poem she wrote nearly twenty-five years earlier, I've Seen A Dying Eye.

Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
"But how the devil do you think this could harm me?"
Denis Diderot, French encyclopedist, upon being warned by his wife not to eat too much.

Isadora Duncan (1878-1927)
"Farewell, my friends. I go to glory."
Isadora Duncan was an American dancer who, although never very popular in the United States, entertained throughout Europe, performing shows featuring a new style of dance she invented that was based on the figures found on Greek vases. She flaunted traditional mores and morality, and her private life was subject to considerable scandal, especially following the tragic drowning of her children in the Seine River. One evening, after a party in Nice, Duncan hopped into a Buggati with a new male friend and shouted farewell to her friends standing nearby, "Adieu, mes amis. Je vais la glorie." She did not notice that her long scarf, which was her trademark, had fallen under one of the vehicle's rear wheels, and the cloth simultaneously tightened around her neck and wrapped around the axle. Duncan was yanked violently from the car and dragged for several yards before the driver noticed what had happened. She died almost instantly of a broken neck.

George Eastman (1854-1932)
"My work is done, why wait?"
George Eastman, the American inventor, first became interested in amateur photography while working at a bank in Rochester, New York. He developed a process that not only simplified the method of making photographic plates, but also allowed them to be mass-produced with relative ease. Realizing that there was a large market for his plates among other photographers, he went into business for himself, eventually introducing flexible film in 1884 and the first mass-produced camera for amateurs, the Kodak box camera, in 1888. As his company thrived, Eastman made a fortune and donated vast sums to universities, dental clinics, and musical institutions. At the age of 77, plagued by a painfully debilitating spinal disease, Eastman put his affairs in order, wrote a note, and committed suicide.

Thomas A. Edison (1847-1931)
"It's very beautiful over there."
In the spring of 1929, Thomas Edison traveled from his home and laboratory at Menlo Park, New Jersey, to Dearborn, Michigan, to celebrate the 50th anniversary of his invention of the electric light as well as the opening of both the Ford Museum and Greenfield Village. After being introduced by President Hoover, Edison delivered a brief banquet speech and then collapsed. The president's physician quickly rushed to Edison's aid and determined that he was suffering from severe pneumonia. Edison returned to Menlo Park but never fully recovered. He collapsed again in August 1931, and was bedridden for the last two months of his life. He sank into semi-consciousness, and his second wife, Mina, remained by his side. On Edison's last day, she leaned close and asked, "Are you suffering?" to which he replied, "No, just waiting."  Edison then looked out of his bedroom window and softly spoke his last words.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"? ? ?"
The famous German-born American physicist, whose theories of relativity revolutionized physics, won the Nobel Prize in 1921, was named Person Of The Century by Time magazine in 1999, and was considered so extraordinary an intellect, that, after his death, his brain was preserved for scientific study. The rest was cremated and his ashes scattered. We will never know what wonders Albert Einstein revealed on his deathbed, because his last words were spoken in German, and the only other person in the room was a New Jersey hospital nurse who didn't speak German, so Einstein's last words remain a mystery. Verily, a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link! We can only assume that they were brilliant. Einstein's wit was also legendary, and I am including some quotes from Albert the Great on varying subjects. Enjoy.

On Wireless Telegraph:
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph
is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles.
The wireless is the same, only without the cat."

On Gravity:
"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."

On Fame:
"With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon."

On Creation:
"God does not play dice with the universe."

On how World War III will be fought:
I don't know, but I know how World War IV will be fought . . . with sticks and stones."

On Relativity:
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

On Science and Religion:
"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

On Infinity:
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe."

On Common Sense:
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

 On God:
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are just details."

On Failure:
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

On Science:
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."

On Creativity:
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

On Understanding:
"You do not really understand something unless you can
explain it to your grandmother."

On Intellect:
"We should take care not to make intellect our god;
it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality."

   And finally, football player and sports commentator, Joe Theisman, on genius:
  "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969)
"I've always loved my wife, my children, and my grandchildren, and I've always loved my country. I want to go. God, take me."
Dwight Eisenhower was the thirty-fourth President of the United States, but he is perhaps even more famous as a military officer. During World War Two, Eisenhower led the Allied invasions of North Africa, Italy, and France as the Supreme Allied Commander. Afterward, he served a tour as the Army Chief of Staff and finished his career as the first military commander of NATO. Following his presidency, Eisenhower retired to his farm in Gettysburg. He died at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in 1969.

Elizabeth I, Queen of England (1533-1603)
"All my possessions for a moment of time."
Elizabeth I, the daughter of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, was the Queen of England from 1558 until her death in 1603. Her reign is famous for the glamour of her court as well as the success of her policies. By the end of her life she had outlived all of her friends, suitors, and enemies.  She spent most of her last days in partial consciousness in a pile of pillows on her chamber floor but finally consented to be placed in her bed just before she died.

Sir William Erskine, Major General, 1st Baronet (1769-1813)
"Now why did I do that?"
Major-General Sir William Erskine began his military career with a brilliant feat of arms, served as a member of Parliament, achieved important commands in the Napoleonic Wars under the Duke of Wellington, but ended his service in insanity and suicide. These were the General's last words, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.

Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (1883-1939)
"Never felt better."
Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., was the premier swashbuckling star of early Hollywood. In December 1939, after returning from the USC-UCLA football game, Fairbanks became ill. He skipped work the following morning with chest and arm pain. A doctor prescribed total bed rest, a restricted diet, and professional nursing care. Fairbanks slept on and off through the morning and awakened in the afternoon asking his attendant to open the window. "How are you?" the attendant asked. Fairbanks answered with a grin, rolled over, and went back to sleep. He died later that night with his dog, a 150 lb. mastiff, named Marco Polo, curled up at the foot of his bed.

Marquis de Favras (1744-1790)
"I see that you have made three spelling mistakes."
The Marquis de Favras was caught by the radicals of the French Revolution as he plotted to help Louis XVI escape. Convicted of treason after a two-month trial, he was handed his official death sentence by the court clerk as he was led to the scaffold, and uttered this gem.

Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria (1863-1914)
"It's nothing . . . it's nothing . . ."
Whispered to Count Harrach as the Archduke fell unconscious after being shot in Sarajevo; he died shortly after without ever regaining consciousness. His assassination precipitated the Austrian declaration of war. This caused countries allied with Austria, Hungary, and Serbia to declare war on each other, starting World War I.

William J. Fetterman (1833-1866)
"Give me 80 men and I'll ride through the whole Sioux nation."
In November 1866, Captain William J. Fetterman reported in to the 18th U.S. Infantry at Fort Phil Kearney. At the time, the regiment was tasked with containing Red Cloud and his band of Sioux. It's commander, Colonel Carrington, found Fetterman to be a troublesome officer despite an exemplary Civil War combat record. Several times during December, the Sioux launched forays against settlers and grazing herds in hopes of baiting the soldiers into a hot pursuit and subsequent ambush. Each time, officers commanding patrols sent out in response by Colonel Carrington recognized the traps before they could be sprung. The Sioux set the stage once more on December 21 when they pinned down a supply train not far from the fort. Carrington assigned another officer to lead the 80 man relief column, but Fetterman, although inexperienced in Indian warfare, demanded the assignment based upon seniority, and said his last known words. Carrington acquiesced but gave Fetterman emphatically explicit instructions not to pursue any Indians. A second patrol sent out later in the day found the bodies of Captain Fetterman and all 80 of his men stripped of their clothing and horribly mutilated.

John Field (1782-1837)
"I am a pianist."
John Field was a British pianist and composer whose works were said to have a major influence on Chopin. As he lay dying, his friends thought a minister should be summoned. However, no one had ever heard Field mention his religion. One friend whispered to Field, "Are you a Papist or a Calvinist?" "I am a pianist," Field answered.

W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
"Looking for loopholes!"
A friend, visiting Fields on his deathbed, was surprised to find Fields reading a Bible. The friend asked Fields why he was reading a Bible. "Looking for loopholes!", Fields answered wryly.

Adolf Fischer (1859-1887)

"This is the happiest moment of my life."

Adolf Fischer, a German anarchist, was a principal leader in the Chicago branch of the International Working People's Association, better known as the Black International. After organizing a walkout at the McCormick Harvester Works, gunfire broke out between anarchist supporters and police. Immediately, the Black International distributed circulars urging workers to "arm themselves, assemble at Haymarket Square, and take revenge". At the rally, Fischer and seven other anarchist leaders addressed the three thousand workers who showed up. After several hours of rather boring political oratory, the crowd became restless and most began to go home. Shortly thereafter, a police detachment arrived and ordered those who remained to disperse. The anarchist speakers objected, and someone tossed a bomb into the middle of the police ranks, killing one man and injuring about sixty others. The surviving police opened fire as did a number of anarchists and workers; another sixty men were injured or killed. The person who threw the bomb was never captured, but the anarchists who spoke at the rally were arrested and charged as accessories to murder. All were convicted. One was sentenced to fifteen years, the others to death. Fischer was hanged in November 1887. The Haymarket rioters have long-since become martyrs and heroes of international communism and anarchy, and leftist interpretations of the event abound.

Lavinia Fisher (1793-1820)
"If any of you have a message for the Devil, give it to me, for I am about to meet him!"
Lavinia Fisher was hanged for murder on February 18, 1820, while wearing her white wedding gown. She is widely considered to be America's first female serial killer.

Arthur Flegensheimer, AKA Dutch Schultz (1902-1935)

"Mother is the best bet."

Dutch Schultz was born in the Bronx around the turn of the century and quit school in the fourth grade to take up burglary. A murderous sociopath, Schultz became New York's "king of beer" during Prohibition and ran the Harlem numbers racket as well. Intensely disliked by other gangsters, Schultz finally went too far when he threatened the life of a federal prosecutor, and future Presidential candidate, Thomas Dewey. Lucky Luciano feared Schultz 's instability would bring too much heat upon all of organized crime, so he contracted with Murder, Inc. to have Schultz eliminated. On October 23,1935, Schultz, along with three of his henchmen, were massacred at a Newark, New Jersey restaurant. Schultz took three machine gun rounds in the stomach as he left the toilet and died two days later. Schultz babbled incoherently to the police as he lay dying. His last words have also been recorded as "Hey, Jimmie!", "Chimney sweeps", "Talk to the sword", "Shut up, you got a big mouth!", "Please come help me up, Henny", "Max come over here", "French Canadian bean soup...I want to pay, make them leave me alone", etc. But I feel "Mother is the best bet" is best.

Errol Flynn (1909-1959)
"I shall return!"
Errol Flynn was famous for his many romantic swashbuckler roles in Hollywood films and his flamboyant, excessive lifestyle. Numerous legends surround Flynn's death. At a party, on October 14, 1959, with Flynn regaling guests with stories and impressions, Flynn suddenly felt ill, and retired to a bedroom to rest, announcing, "I shall return!" A half hour later, he was dead from a massive coronary. His friends later stole his body from the morgue, and propped him up with a cocktail at the Hotel Georgia lounge. He shares coffin space with six bottles of whiskey, a parting gift from his drinking buddies.

James Forrestal (1892-1949)

"Frenzy hath seized thy dearest son,
Who from thy shores in glory came
The first in valor and in fame;
Thy deeds that he hath done
Seem hostile all to hostile eyes. . . .
Better to die, and sleep
The never waking sleep, than linger on,
And dare to live, when the soul's life is gone."

James Forrestal was the Secretary of the Navy during World War II. After the war, President Truman appointed him as the first Secretary of Defense. Forrestal became extremely frustrated when the other branches of Service, especially the Air Force, resisted his proposals. He became ineffective and depressed by their, and the press, continually criticizing his every decision. After Truman relieved him of his duties, he became paranoid as well. He told anyone who would listen that he was victim of a vast conspiracy, and he searched closets everywhere, thoroughly convinced that enemies were hiding within. On April 2, Admiral Forrestal was admitted to the distinguished visitor suite on the 16th floor of Bethesda Naval Hospital for observation. He appeared to be recovering, but on May 22, after tying one end of this bathrobe belt around his neck and the other to a radiator pipe, he jumped out the window. The belt snapped, and Forrestal fell, crashing onto a passageway roof thirteen floors below. The noise immediately alerted the nursing staff, which found him dead when they arrived at the scene. Earlier that evening, when an attendant checked on Forrestal during his rounds, he found Forrestal copying verse from a book. It turned out to be the suicide note, a poem from Chorus from Ajax by Sophocles.

Benjamin Franklin (1705-1790)
"A dying man can do nothing easily."
One of the most important and influential Founding Fathers of the United States of America, Franklin was a leading author and printer, satirist, political theorist, politician, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat. As he lay dying, his daughter suggested that if he lay on his side, he could breathe easier.

Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
"This is absurd! This is absurd!"
The father of psychoanalysis, and a heavy cigar smoker, Freud endured more than 30 operations during his life due to mouth cancer. In September 1939, he prevailed on his doctor and friend Max Schur to assist him in suicide, saying, "My dear Schur, you certainly remember our first talk. You promised me then not to forsake me when my time comes. Now it is nothing but torture and makes no sense any more." Schur administered three doses of morphine over many hours that resulted in Freud's death on September 23, 1939.

Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister (1944-1991)
"Don't worry, relax!"
To his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack.

George Gipp (1895-1920)
"Win one for the Gipper!"
George Gipp was a football player who led the University of Notre Dame to unbeaten seasons in 1919 and 1920. In December 1920, he contracted pneumonia after a serious throat infection and died at the height of his college football fame. On his deathbed, he told his coach, Knute Rockne, that "Someday, when things look real tough for Notre Dame, ask the boys to go out there and win one for the Gipper." Then he died. Eight years later, at the end of a terrible season, Notre Dame was about to play the Army team. Trailing at half time, Rockne gathered the players and for the first time ever, related Gipp's last words in an attempt to inspire the team. Notre Dame went on to beat Army by the score of 12 to 6. President Ronald Reagan had been a radio sports broadcaster long before he became a movie actor. The Gipp story had always fascinated Reagan, and when he heard that Warner Brothers was planning a film on the life of Knute Rockne, he lobbied hard to play the part of "The Gipper". Reagan did, of course, win the role, and spoke the famous words that are today part of movie history.

Crawford Goldsby, AKA Cherokee Bill (1876-1895)
"No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die."
Cherokee Bill, convicted of murder, was standing on the gallows with the noose around his neck, when he was asked if he had any last words. He replied, "No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die."

Ulysses S. Grant (1822-1885)
"Water."
U. S. Grant was the Commanding General of all Union Forces at the end of the War Between the States, and became the eighteenth President of the United States (1869–1877). Bankrupted by bad business deals and suffering from throat cancer, Grant and his family were left destitute. At the time, retired U.S. Presidents were not given pensions, and Grant had forfeited his military pension when he assumed the office of President. It was not until 1958 that Congress, feeling it inappropriate that a former president or his wife might be poverty-stricken, passed a bill granting (no pun intended) a pension to such individuals, a practice that continues to this day.

Joseph Henry Green (1791-1863)
"Congestion. Stopped."
Joseph Henry Green was a distinguished 19th century British surgeon. On his deathbed, he is said to have remarked, "Congestion," after taking an especially raspy breath. He then checked his own pulse, announced "Stopped!" and died.

Frank "Tight Lips" Gusenberg (1893-1929)
"Nobody shot me."
Tight Lips, an American mobster, was one of Bugs Moran's gangsters murdered in the 1929 St. Valentine's Day Massacre in Chicago by Al Capone's henchmen, who were dressed as policemen. When Gusenberg was asked by arriving police who had shot him, he replied, "I'm not gonna talk - nobody shot me!"

Charles Gussman (1913-2000)
"And now for a final word from our sponsor..."
Gussman was a television writer for the soap opera Days of Our Lives.

Edmund Gwenn (1875-1959)
"Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult."
Edmund Gwenn was an English stage actor, originally discovered by George Bernard Shaw, who became a Hollywood star in his middle age. Twice nominated for an Academy Award, he won an Oscar as the Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Santa Claus in Miracle on 34th Street.

Nathan Hale (1755-1776)
"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."
Nathan Hale was an officer for the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War. Widely considered America's first spy, Hale volunteered for an intelligence-gathering mission, but was caught by the British. He is best remembered for his speech before being hanged following the Battle of Long Island.

Albrecht von Haller (1708-1777)
"My friend, the artery ceases to beat."
Albrecht von Haller was a Swiss physician, scientist, and poet. He was instrumental in the founding of the University of Gottengin where he served as the chairman of botany, surgery, and anatomy. Haller's last words have also been recorded as "It's beating...beating...beating...it's stopped."

Richard Halliburton (1900-1939)
"Southerly gales, squalls, lee rail under water, wet bunks, hard tack, bully beef, wish you were here . . . instead of me!"
This is the last known communication from Richard Halliburton on the Chinese junk Sea Dragon at sea, March 23, 1939. Halliburton was an American traveler, adventurer, and author. His final adventure was an attempt to pilot a traditional Chinese sailing ship eastward across the Pacific Ocean; the Sea Dragon radioed mid-way that it was laboring in a typhoon, and Halliburton and the crew were not heard from again.

Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804)
"This is a mortal wound, doctor . . . (And then, to his wife) . . . Remember, my Eliza, you are a Christian."
Alexander Hamilton was an Army officer, lawyer, Founding Father, politician, statesman, financier, and political theorist. One of America's first constitutional lawyers, he was a leader in calling the Philadelphia Convention in 1787; he was one of the two chief authors of the anonymous Federalist Papers, the most cited contemporary interpretation of intent for the United States Constitution. Soon after the gubernatorial election in New York—in which Morgan Lewis, greatly assisted by Hamilton, defeated Aaron Burr, a newspaper published a letter recounting a dinner party in upstate New York during which Hamilton said he could reveal "an even more despicable opinion" of Colonel Burr. Burr, his honor insulted, and still stinging by the political defeat, demanded an apology. Hamilton refused. Following an exchange of three testy letters, and despite the attempts of friends to avert a confrontation, a duel was nevertheless scheduled for July 11, 1804, along the west bank of the Hudson River in Weehawken, New Jersey, a common dueling site at which, three years earlier, Hamilton's eldest son, Philip, had been killed. At dawn, the duel began, and Vice President Aaron Burr shot Hamilton. Hamilton's shot broke a tree branch directly above Burr's head. A letter that Hamilton wrote the night before the duel states, "I have resolved, if our interview [duel] is conducted in the usual manner, and it pleases God to give me the opportunity, to reserve and throw away my first fire, and I have thoughts even of reserving my second fire", which asserts an intention to miss Burr. The circumstances of the duel, and Hamilton's actual intentions, are still disputed. But one thing's certain - Burr certainly intended to shoot Hamilton. And he did. Hamilton died on the scene after speaking these words to his doctor and wife. Politics were a lot more fun in those days.

George Harrison (1943-2001)
"Love one another."
Ex-Beatle guitarist, George Harrison, was on his deathbed dying from cancer, spoken to his family, on November 29, 2001.

Wallace Henry Hartley (1878-1912)
"Gentlemen, I bid you farewell."
Wallace Hartley was a violinist and bandleader on the RMS Titanic on its maiden voyage. He became famous for leading the eight-member band in Nearer My God To Thee as the ship sank on April 15, 1912. These words were spoken to his band mates as the Titanic sank into the Atlantic Ocean. One survivor who clambered aboard a lifeboat reported that she distinctly heard Hartley say these words before he and the band was swept off the deck, into the sea.

Rutherford B. Hayes (1822-1893)
"I know that I am going where Lucy is."
Rutherford B. Hayes, speaking of his late wife, was an American politician, lawyer, military leader, and the nineteenth President of the United States (1877–1881). Hayes was elected President by one electoral vote after the highly disputed election of 1876. Losing the popular vote to his opponent, Samuel Tilden, Hayes was the only president whose election was decided by a congressional commission.

Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831)
"Only one man ever understood me … and he didn't understand me."
Hegel was a German philosopher and one of the representatives of German idealism.

Heinrich Heine (1797-1856) 
"God will forgive me. It's his profession."
Heinrich Heine was a German poet who spent the final years of his life in Paris where he was a key figure in radical political journalism. By 1845, he had contracted a spinal disease that confined him to bed until his death. He faced death calmly, and shortly before he died he told his visitors "God will forgive me. It's his profession."

O. Henry (1862-1910)
"Turn up the lights! I don't want to go home in the dark."
O. Henry was the pen name of American writer William Sydney Porter. Porter's 400 short stories are known for their wit, wordplay, characterization and his trademark was his clever use of twist endings.

Abram S. Hewitt (1822-1903)
"And now, I am officially dead."
Industrialist. teacher, lawyer, iron manufacturer, U.S. Congressman, and Mayor of New York, Hewitt had just removed the oxygen tube from his mouth in the hospital.

Conrad Hilton (1887-1979)
"Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub."
Conrad Hilton was born in San Antonio, New Mexico, and began his career by renting out rooms in his adobe home. He took a job as a local bank cashier and was so successful that he soon purchased a bank of his own. In 1919, he assumed control of a small hotel in Cisco, Texas and, over the next sixty years, built an international hospitality empire. On his deathbed, just before he died, Hilton was asked if he had any last words of wisdom for the world. Hilton quietly gave us this pearl of wisdom, a classic, and is far more profound than anything his not-so-great granddaughter Paris, has uttered in her lifetime.

John Henry "Doc" Holliday (1851-1887)
"This is funny."
Doc Holliday was a dentist before turning his talents toward gambling and gunfighting, and is usually remembered for his associations with Wyatt Earp and the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral. As one of the consummate gunfighters of the American Old West, Holliday always figured he would die honorably, in a fight. Die with his boots on. But Doc died in a hotel bed from tuberculosis. These last words were uttered on his deathbed after seeing his feet with boots off.

John Holmes (1812-1899)
"John Rogers did."
This is a gem. John Holmes was a U.S. lawyer and the brother of Oliver Wendell Holmes. After he had lain absolutely quiet and motionless on his deathbed for an extraordinarily long period of time, those assembled in the room suspected that he had died. A nurse checked his pulse, found none, and announced that she would feel his feet to see if they were warm, saying, "If they're warm, he's alive. Nobody ever died with warm feet." "John Rogers did!" came Holmes' reply. John Rogers was a Protestant martyr who had been burned at the stake!

Harry Houdini (1874-1926)
"I'm tired of fighting. I guess this thing is going to get me."
One of Harry Houdini's many stage tricks was to tighten his stomach muscles and invite strong men to punch him in the stomach, and he would easily withstand the blow. While reclining on his couch backstage after a performance, relaxed and having an art student sketch him, Houdini was asked by a young man if he was really able to withstand such a blow. Houdini replied yes and was promptly punched in the midsection several times. As Houdini wasn't expecting the punches, he hadn't tightened his abdominals, and the blows burst his appendix. Houdini died seven days later, on Halloween, of peritonitis from a ruptured appendix. He was fifty-two.

Samuel Houston (1793-1863)
"Texas, Margaret! Texas!"
Sam Houston was a 19th century statesman, politician, and soldier, and was a key figure in the history of Texas, including serving as President of the Republic of Texas, Texas Senator (after Texas had joined the United States), and finally as Governor of Texas. His last words were spoken to Margaret, his wife.

Victor Hugo (1802-1885)
"Now day and night are locked in combat. I see black light."
Hugo was a famous French poet, playwright, and novelist. He was perhaps the most influential exponent of the Romantic Movement in France. His best-known works are the novels Les Miserables and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Aldous Leonard Huxley (1894-1963)
"LSD, 100 micrograms."
A British writer, Huxley was best known for his novels and his personal advocacy of hallucinogenic drugs. On his deathbed, he wrote these last words in a note to his wife, a love letter of sorts. She obliged and he was injected twice before dying. Aldous Huxley's grandfather, Thomas Huxley, was the inventor of the term 'agnosticism', which is to doubt the existence of God. Dare I say . . . Doubting Thomas? At any rate, it sure is a beautiful family legacy.

Henrik Johan Ibsen (1828-1906)
"On the contrary!"
Ibsen was a major Norwegian playwright, often referred to as the "father of modern drama". This was his response to a nurse who told a visitor he was feeling a little better.

Washington Irving (1783-1859)
"I have to set my pillows one more night? When will this end already?"
Washington Irving, American author, aggravated at having to ready himself for bed, said this to his niece, then suffered a massive stroke, and died.

Andrew Jackson (1767-1845)
"Oh, do not cry - be good children and we will all meet in heaven."
Andrew Jackson was the seventh President of the United States (1829–1837). Jackson was also Military Governor of Florida, commander of the American forces at the Battle Of New Orleans (In 1814, we took a little trip...along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Misissip...), and was a polarizing figure that dominated American politics in the 1820s and 1830s. Nicknamed "Old Hickory" because he was renowned for his toughness, Jackson was the first President primarily associated with the frontier, as he based his career in good ol' Tennessee.

Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson (1824-1863)
"Let us cross over the river and sit under the shade of the trees."
Stonewall Jackson was one of the premier Confederate generals in the American War Between the States. He was mistakenly shot by his own men on May 2, 1863 during the battle of Chancellorsville, and his left arm had to be amputated. General Robert E. Lee decided that Jackson should recuperate in a safe refuge and ordered that Jackson be transported to Guinea Station about 30 miles from the front lines. Jackson endured the ambulance ride well and was expected to eventually recover. Pneumonia set in, however, and by Sunday, May 10, it became clear that Jackson would not last through the day. When told of this prognosis, Jackson calmly remarked to his physician, "I have always wanted to die on Sunday". After lapsing into delirium, Stonewall Jackson uttered these last words before dying at 3:15 PM, "Let us cross over the river and sit under the shade of the trees." Jackson's chaplain, B. Tucker Lacy, who attended to the general at Guinea Station, reported that during the ordeal General Lee spoke to him of what Jackson meant to him as a commander, "He has lost his left arm, but I have lost my right."

Alfred Jarry (1873-1907)
"I am dying. Please…bring me a toothpick."
Alfred Jarry, writer and playwright, obviously kept his sense of humor till the end.

Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
"This is the Fourth?"
The principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), and one of the most influential Founding Fathers for his promotion of the ideals of Republicanism in the United States, Jefferson achieved distinction as, among other things, a horticulturist, statesman, architect, archaeologist, paleontologist, author, inventor and founder of the University of Virginia. When President John F. Kennedy welcomed forty-nine Nobel Prize winners to the White House in 1962 he said, "I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent and of human knowledge that has ever been gathered together at the White House - with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone." Major events during his presidency include the Louisiana Purchase (1803) and the Lewis and Clark Expedition (1804-1806).

Both Thomas Jefferson and his old friend and rival John Adams died on the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. On the evening of July 3, 1826, Jefferson, the 3rd President of the United States, roused from semi-consciousness on his deathbed and asked an attendant, "This is the Fourth?" To comfort Jefferson, the man replied that it was. Jefferson smiled with satisfaction and returned to sleep. He died just after noon on the following day.

Jesus Of Nazareth
"Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."
Last words according to Luke 23:46
"It is finished."
Last words according to John 19:30
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?" ("My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?")
Last words according to Mark 15:34 & Matthew 27:46

Joan of Arc (1412-1431)
"Hold the cross high so I may see it through the flames!"
Joan was the youngest of five children of Jacques d'Arc, a peasant farmer from Domremy. She began to hear "voices" when she was thirteen that told her she was to serve the Dauphin and save France. Joan was repeatedly rebuffed in her attempts to join the French army until she successfully predicted its defeat at the Battle of Herrings in 1429. Afterwards, a local commander sent her to the Dauphin. When she recognized the heavily disguised Dauphin hiding in a group of courtiers, he sent her to be examined by group of theologians at Poitiers. After three weeks of questioning, they proclaimed that her voices were genuine. The Dauphin then sent her to serve with the Army as it fought to lift the siege of Orleans. There, clad in a suit of armor, she led her men and saved the city by capturing several English forts. Later that year, she led the French army to an even more important victory at Troyes. This allowed the Dauphin to be crowned Charles VII at Reims, and Joan stood at his side during the ceremony. She continued to lead the army until Burgundians at Compiegne captured her and turned her over to the English. Charles made no effort to save her, and in fact, some have suggested that he helped arrange her capture as part of a secret deal with the Burgundians. Joan was tried in a religious court for heresy and witchcraft, and although she defended herself well, she was forced or tricked into denying her "voices" and promising never again to wear men's clothes. Later, she once more dressed as a man and was declared a heretic. She was burned at the stake in the Rouen marketplace, and her ashes were thrown into the Seine. Twenty-five years later, her case was reopened by Pope Callistus III, and she was found innocent. Joan was canonized by Pope Benedict XV in 1920.

James Augustine Aloysius Joyce (1882-1941)
"Does nobody understand?"
James Joyce was an Irish expatriate writer, one of the most influential writers of the 20th century. He is best known for his landmark novel Ulysses and its highly controversial successor Finnegan's Wake.

Terry Kath (1946-1978)
"Don't worry…it's not loaded."
Kath was a singer, guitarist, and founding member of the popular rock band Chicago. In 1978, after attending a party at his roadie's home in Los Angeles, Kath, a gun enthusiast, took a .38 revolver and put it to his head, pulling the trigger several times on the empty chambers. Then picking up an automatic 9mm pistol, Kath showed the empty magazine to his friend, put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger, infamously saying, "Don't worry, it's not loaded." However, one bullet remained in the chamber, and the gun fired, killing him instantly.

George Kelly (1887-1974)
"My dear, before you kiss me good-bye, fix you hair. It's a mess."
George Kelly was an American playwright and the uncle of Grace Kelly. On his deathbed, he was visited by another niece, who leaned forward to kiss him farewell.

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
"That's obvious."
John Kennedy was the thirty-fifth president of the United States. He was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald as he was traveling by motorcade through the streets of Dallas. JFK was visiting Dallas to help prepare for his coming election campaign. Although unpopular in the South, many citizens were lining the streets to watch the procession as it passed. Kennedy had just responded to Texas governor John Connolly's wife's comment, "Mr. President, you can't say that Dallas doesn't love you!" when the first of Oswald's bullets struck him in the head.

Tom "Black Jack" Ketchum (1863-1901)
"I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast! Let her rip!"
Black Jack Ketchum, notorious train robber and member of the infamous Hole In The Wall gang, sprung up the gallows steps to his execution, and said these words to his executioner. Unfortunately for all present, the rope was too long, and Black Jack was decapitated.

John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)
"I should have drunk more Champagne."
John Maynard Keynes was a British economist, whose ideas, called Keynesian economics, had a major impact on modern economic and political theory.

Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)
"Make sure to play Take My Hand, Precious Lord tonight. Play it real pretty."
King, a Baptist minister, was one of the pivotal leaders of the American civil rights movement in the 1960s. In 1964, King became the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, given for his efforts to end segregation and racial discrimination through civil disobedience and other non-violent means. King was assassinated on April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tennessee. King's last words on the balcony were spoken to musician Ben Branch, who was scheduled to perform that night at an event King was attending: "Ben, make sure you play Take My Hand, Precious Lord tonight. Play it real pretty." Reverend Samuel "Billy" Kyles, whose house King was on his way to visit, remembers that upon seeing King go down he ran into a hotel room to call an ambulance. Nobody was on the hotel switchboard, so Kyles ran back out and yelled to the police to get one on their radios. It was later revealed that the hotel switchboard operator, upon seeing King shot, had suffered a fatal heart attack and could not operate the phones. King was pronounced dead on arrival at St. Joseph's Hospital. The assassination led to a nationwide wave of riots in more than 100 cities. At King's request, his good friend Mahalia Jackson sang his favorite hymn, Take My Hand, Precious Lord at his funeral.

James Earl Ray, an escaped convict who had broken out of the Missouri State Penitentiary a year before the assassination, was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport while trying to leave the U.K. on a false passport. Ray was quickly extradited back to Tennessee and charged with King's murder. He confessed to the assassination on March 10, 1969, and then recanted this confession three days later. Ray was sentenced to 99 years in prison. On the advice of his attorney, Ray took a guilty plea to avoid a trial conviction and the possibility of receiving the death penalty. Ray later fired his attorney, claiming that a man he met in Montreal, Canada, using the alias "Raoul" had been deeply involved, as was his brother Johnny, but not himself, further asserting that although he didn't "personally shoot Dr. King," he may have been "partially responsible without knowing it," hinting at a conspiracy. He spent the remainder of his life attempting (unsuccessfully) to withdraw his guilty plea and secure the trial he never had. On June 10, 1977, Ray and six other convicts escaped from Brushy Mountain State Penitentiary in Petros, Tennessee. They were recaptured on June 13, and returned to prison. One more year was added to his previous sentence to total 100 years. Shortly after, Ray testified that he did not shoot King.

In  1997, Martin Luther King's son Dexter met with Ray in prison, and publicly supported Ray's efforts to obtain a retrial. A restaurant owner in Memphis named Loyd Jowers was brought to civil court and sued by King's family as being part of a conspiracy to murder Martin Luther King. Jowers was found liable, and the King family was awarded $100 in restitution to show that they were not pursuing the case for financial gain. Dr. William Pepper (Dr. Pepper???), a friend of King's in the last year of his life, later represented Ray in a televised mock trial in an attempt to get Ray the trial that he never had. Dr. Pepper then represented the King family in a wrongful death civil trial against Loyd Jowers. To this day, the King family does not believe James Earl Ray had anything to do with the murder of Martin Luther King. Ray died in prison in 1998, at the age of 70, from complications related to kidney disease, caused by hepatitis C. Ray contracted hepatitis as a result of a blood transfusion, given after he was stabbed inside Brushy Mountain State Pen. He was stabbed by an inmate who believed neither in Ray's innocence, nor in King's doctrine of non-violence.

Stan Laurel (1980-1965)
"I wish I was skiing." [Nurse: "Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?"] "No, but I'd rather be skiing than doing this!"
Stan Laurel was an English-born, American comic genius, writer and director. Famous as one half of the comedy team Laurel and Hardy, Stan delivered this classic shtick before dying of a heart attack on February 23, 1965.

Saint Lawrence (225-258)
"Turn me. I am roasted on one side."
Saint Lawrence is one of the most celebrated Roman martyrs. A church deacon during the time Emperor Valerian was vigorously persecuting Christians, Lawrence also served as the keeper of the church's treasures. He was arrested and told that to save himself, he must give the church treasures to the government. Lawrence readily agreed and told the official that it would take at least eight days to assemble them. On the eighth day, Lawrence returned to the Emperor and presented him with hundreds of poor and disabled men, women, and children. "These," Lawrence said, "are the riches of the church." The enraged Emperor then ordered Lawrence to be stripped, tied face down on a gridiron suspended over a bed of burning coals, and slowly burned to death. Lawrence maintained a cheerful appearance throughout the horror and, when asked if he had any last request, responded with these, his last words. His behavior was said to have been so impressive that several Roman senators converted to Christianity on the spot, and hundreds of citizens did the same on the following day.

Robert E. Lee (1807-1870)
"Strike the tent!"
Robert Edward Lee was a career United States Army officer, engineer, brilliant tactician, and the most celebrated general of the American War Between the States. Prior to the war, Lee opposed the secession of his home state of Virginia, and rejected President Abraham Lincoln's offer to command the Union forces. But when Virginia did secede from the Union in April 1861, Lee chose to follow his home state. He took command of the Confederate forces in the East, which Lee himself renamed the Army Of Northern Virginia. The war, the deadliest in American history, caused 620,000 soldier deaths, plus a huge, undetermined number of civilian casualties, ended slavery in the United States, restored the Union by settling the issue of secession, and strengthened the role of the Federal government. The social, political, economic, and racial issues of the war continue to shape contemporary American thought, and I agree with filmmaker Ken Burns, who said, "the Civil War, to a much greater extent than even our Revolutionary War, defines us as Americans." Historian and author, Shelby Foote adds, "Before the war, the United States of America was regarded, even grammatically, as a plurality; a group of individual states. After the war, the United States of America was forever changed to a singular idea. Before the war, we said, 'The United States are...'. After the war, we say, 'The United States is...' The war changed that."

Just a note here on why I feel the term 'Civil War' is far from accurate in describing the war fought between the American North and South. The war grew out of deep-seated differences between the social structure, economy, and culture of North and South. At the time, Southerners felt they were fighting for the very same ideals that the American Revolution was fought over, and most Southerners considered the 'War for Southern Independence' or the 'War Between the States' as a continuation of that same struggle for independence from an oppressive federal government. I feel either of these names to be much more accurate than 'civil war', although much less tidy for Northerners. A civil war is, by definition, two or more factions, fighting for control of the central government. The South wanted no part of the U. S. central government, but wanted the exact opposite, independence from it. I still do.

Meriwether Lewis (1774-1809)
"I am not a coward, but I am so strong. It is hard to die."
Following his return from his legendary expedition to the Pacific Ocean, Meriwether Lewis was appointed the first governor of Upper Louisiana by Thomas Jefferson . He was a poor administrator and decided to travel to Washington to get reimbursed for some expenses that had left him deep in debt. He departed Saint Louis, with $200 in his pockets, for New Orleans, where he planned to finish his journey by boat. En route, he suffered a breakdown near what today is Memphis, Tennessee. He recuperated there for several weeks and again set out, this time overland. While stopped just south of Nashville, at the home of Mrs. Robert Grinder, whose husband was away, Lewis was said to have become very agitated about his personal affairs. Mrs. Grinder later reported that, during the night, she heard a gunshot followed by a cry of "Oh, Lord!" This was followed by a second shot. A few minutes later, a bleeding Lewis staggered to her door and pleaded, "Oh, madam! Give me some water and heal my wounds." Good old Mrs. Grinder, too frightened to open the door, ignored Lewis until morning when she sought out Lewis's servants. They found him alive and in horrible pain, his skull shattered and brain exposed. Mrs. Grinder claimed that Lewis begged her to kill him, but she refused. Lewis's death was never investigated, and while many believed it to have been a suicide, an equal number suggested that he was killed while being robbed by his servants, Mrs. Grinder, her husband, or others. Lewis's $200 was never found.

Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"They won't think anything about it."
Lincoln, the sixteenth President of the United States, was reassuring his wife, Mary, that it would be all right for them to hold hands, just before John Wilkes Booth sneaked into their box and shot him from behind. There's no need of any more biographical info here. Any attempt to put the life story of Abraham Lincoln into a single paragraph would be futile, to say the least. Someday, I'd like to write a book on what I consider to be the greatest life story of any American in history.

John Winston Lennon (1940-1980)
"Yeah."
John Lennon, the assassinated Beatle, was dying in the back of a police car on the way to the hospital. The officers asked him if he was John Lennon, and then, one of the greatest songwriters in rock 'n' roll history, spoke his last word on Earth. She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huey P. Long, Jr., AKA The Kingfish (1893-1935)
"I wonder why he shot me."
Huey P. Long was a Democrat politician who, while governor of Louisiana from 1928 to 1932, created a powerful political machine and ruled the state as a dictator. He was sent to the Senate in 1932, where he promoted a "share-our-wealth" program that promised to take money from those who had it and redistribute it to those who did not. Long developed considerable support among the poor and was seen as a possible third-party threat to the Roosevelt presidential campaign. He was shot and killed by the son-in-law of a former political opponent. Long's story was fictionalized in the 1947 novel, All the King's Men.  It was made into a movie two years later, and Long's character, Willie Stark, was played by Broderick Crawford.

Joseph Lucas (1834-1902)
"Never drive at night."
Lucas, known as "The Prince of Darkness", was the founder of Lucas Industries, manufacturer of automotive electrical components such as alternators, headlights, etc. which were renowned for their unreliability in the early days of automotive engineering.

James Madison (1751-1836)
[Niece: "What's the matter, Uncle James?"]
"Nothing more than a change of mind, my dear. I always talk better lying down."
James Madison, Jr. was the fourth President of the United States, (1809–1817), and one of the Founding Fathers of the United States. Madison was the last of our Founding Fathers to pass away.

Gustav Mahler (1860-1911)
"Mozart! Mozart!"
Gustav Mahler was a Bohemian-Austrian composer and conductor, whose last words were reported by his wife, Alma.

Antonio Mancini (?-1941)
"Cheerio!"
Gangster Mancini, standing on the gallows at Pentonville Prison in London, just before the trapdoor was sprung. Cheerful chap.

Robert Nesta "Bob" Marley (1945-1981)
"Money can't buy life."
Bob Marley, Reggae musician and Rastafarian, to his son Ziggy, as he lay, dying from cancer. Marley was buried in a crypt in Jamaica along with his Gibson Les Paul guitar, a soccer ball, a large bud of marijuana, a bong, a ring that was given to him by the Prince of Ethiopia, and a Bible. To quote Colonel Kong from Dr. Strangelove, "Shoot. A man could have a pretty good weekend in Las Vegas with all that stuff!"

Karl Marx (1818-1883)
"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"
Karl Marx was the German economist, philosopher, and revolutionary who, with the aid of Friederich Engles, produced his gift to the world, the theory of modern socialism and communism. As Marx lay in bed shortly before his death, his housekeeper foolishly asked if he had any last words.

William Barclay "Bat" Masterson (1853-1921)
"We all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer. The poor get it in the winter."
Bat Masterson was a figure of the American West. His adventurous life included stints as a buffalo hunter, U.S. Army scout, avid fisherman, gambler, frontier lawman, U.S. Marshal, and sports editor and columnist for a New York newspaper. He was the great-grandfather of Robert Ballard, the marine scientist who discovered the wreck of the SS Titanic in 1985. Bat Masterson was an NBC television program, running from 1958 - 1961, starring Gene Barry. Bat Masterson collapsed from a heart attack at his desk after penning his final column for the New York Morning Telegraph. Masterson's last words were the last bit of column he had been typing at the moment of his death, found on his typewriter. Here are some of his other, non-interrupted, quotes.

         Every dog has his day, unless there are more dogs than days.

         If you want to hit a man in the chest, aim for his groin.

         When a man is at the racetrack he roars longer and louder over the twenty-five cents
          he loses through the hole in the bottom of his pocket than he does over the $25 he
          loses through the hole in the top of his pocket."

William B. McKinley (1843-1901)
"We are all going."
William McKinley, the twenty-fifth U.S. President, was the last Civil War veteran to be elected. He was assassinated by an anarchist, Leon Czolgosz, at the Pan American Exposition in 1901. McKinley died after lingering painfully for several days. His wife, at his bedside, cried, "I want to go too, I want to go too!" McKinley answered her plea before he expired.

Ernest McSorley (1912-1975)
"We are holding our own."
McSorley was captain of the ill-fated, 729-foot, Great Lakes freighter SS Edmund Fitzgerald. McSorley died, along with the other 28 members of his crew, when the Fitzgerald sank suddenly and mysteriously in Lake Superior, on November 10, 1975. The SS Anderson, who was trailing behind the Fitzgerald, asked McSorley how they were doing. Moments after McSorley radioed these last words to the Anderson, she suddenly sank. No distress signal was ever received, and a short ten minutes later, Anderson could neither raise Fitzgerald nor detect her on radar. All twenty-nine men aboard were killed. Despite losing his ship in a storm, McSorley was respected throughout his career as a superb bad-weather ship handler. The saga of the Fitzgerald and her crew was immortalized in Gordon Lightfoot's ballad, The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald.

Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
"Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking to your boss."
Wilson Mizner was a U.S. writer and gambler. On his deathbed, he briefly regained consciousness before dying and found a priest standing over him. Mizner waved the priest away saying, "Why should I talk to you?  I've just been talking to your boss." 

Eric Morecambe (1926-1984)
"I'm glad that's over."
Eric Morecambe, English comedian who, together with Ernie Wise, formed the comedy team of Morecambe and Wise. After his show had ended, and Morecambe had left the stage, the musicians returned and picked up their instruments for an encore. Eric Morecambe rushed back out onto the stage to join them and energetically played various instruments. He then left the stage again, only to return moments later. All in all, he made six curtain calls. Finally, he said "That's your lot!", waved to the audience, and left the stage. He walked into the wings and joked, "Thank goodness that's over", before collapsing with a fatal heart attack.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791)
"The taste of death is upon my lips…I feel something, that is not of this earth."
Mozart was a hugely prolific and influential Austrian composer of the Classical era. Mozart is among the most enduringly popular of classical composers, and many of his works are part of the standard concert repertoire.

Andrew Mutton
"Well, this is certainly a pleasant surprise."
A Chicago mobster whose car was always having starter problems, Mutton made this cheery remark to his associate when his car started successfully on the first try. Moments later, a bomb rigged to the ignition exploded, killing Andrew and wounding his associate.

Ramon Maria Narvaez (1800-1868)
"I do not have to forgive my enemies. I have had them all shot!"
Ramon Narvaez was a Spanish general who served repeated terms as prime minister during the mid-18th century.

Nostradamus (1503-1566)
"Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here."
Nostradamus was a cryptic prophet whose verse has been credited by some as foretelling future events despite its vague language and lack of any chronological reference. His predictions achieved local recognition after he claimed to have discovered a cure for the plague. Word of one of his prophesies eventually reached Catherine de Medici, the superstitious wife of Henry II, who believed it was about her husband: "The young lion will surpass the old one in national field by a single duel. He will pierce his eyes in a golden cage two blows at once, to die a grievous death." After Henry was killed in 1559 during a tournament when a lance, yielded by a younger opponent, pierced his eye, Nostradamus achieved true fame. One evening, in 1566, Nostradamus's assistant found him writing at his bench and bid him good night saying, "Tomorrow, master?" After Nostradamus replied, "Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here", the assistant left the room. When he returned the next day, he found Nostradamus dead and a note on the desk: "Upon the return of the Embassy, the King's gift put in place, Nothing more will be done. He will have gone to God's nearest relatives, friends, blood brothers, Found quite dead near bed and bench."

Laurence Olivier (1907-1989)
"This isn't Hamlet, you know. It's not meant to go into the bloody ear."
Sir Laurence Olivier, revered English Shakespearean actor of stage, film, and television, said this to his nurse who, attempting to moisten his lips, missed and dripped water into Olivier's ear. Note: In Shakespeare's play Hamlet, the title character's father is killed when poison is dripped into his ear while asleep.

Eugene O'Neill (1888-1953)
"Born in a hotel room, and damn it, died in a hotel room."
Eugene O'Neill, thought by many critics to have been the most important American dramatist, earned one Nobel and four Pulitzer Prizes during his lifetime. He was born in a New York City Broadway hotel room, the son of an Irish-American actor. For much of his life, he suffered from a debilitating Parkinson's-like disease. When he died in 1953, it was, much to his chagrin, also in a hotel room.

William "Buckey" O'Neill (1860-1898)
"Sergeant, the Spanish bullet isn't made that will kill me." (See also John Sedgwick)
Buckey O'Neill was an Arizona lawyer, miner, cowboy, gambler, newspaperman, sheriff, and congressman. He was also one of the most important members of Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders during the Spanish-American War, having recruited many of the volunteers and supervised their training while in San Antonio waiting to be deployed. Just prior to the famous charge up Kettle (not San Juan) Hill, O'Neill was standing up, smoking a cigarette, and joking with his troops while under withering fire from the ridge. One of his sergeants shouted to him above the noise, "Captain, a bullet is sure to hit you!" to which O'Neill shouted back his reply.  O'Neill then calmly turned to another officer. As he started to speak, a bullet struck him in the mouth. Private Tuttle, who was standing nearby, later recalled, "I heard the bullet. You usually can if you're close enough, you know. It makes a sort of 'spat.' He was dead before he hit the ground."

Lee Harvey Oswald (1939-1963)
"I will be glad to discuss this proposition with my attorney, and that after I talk with one, we could either discuss it with him or discuss it with my attorney, if the attorney thinks it is a wise thing to do, but at the present time I have nothing more to say to you."
On November 22, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald shot and killed President Kennedy from a window of the Texas Book Depository in Dallas. Later that afternoon, he shot Officer Trippit of the Dallas Police and was shortly thereafter apprehended inside the Texas Theater. Two days later, well aware of his rights, he addressed his last words to Inspector Thomas Kelly of the U.S. Secret Service just before he was shot and killed by Gangster Jack Ruby.

Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
"Drink to me!"
Pablo Picasso was a Spanish painter, sculptor, and ceramist, who developed Cubism, one of the most influential modern painting styles.

Marco Polo (1254-1324)
"I have not told half of what I saw."
Marco Polo was a Venetian explorer, who gained fame for his worldwide travels, recorded in the book The Travels Of Marco Polo.

Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson Pompadour (1721-1764)
"Wait a second."
Madame de Pompadour was a lady of the French court and mistress to Louis XV. She was a major influence on French politics of the mid-18th century. As she died, Madame de Pompadour called on God to "Wait a second." When He did, she quickly applied rouge to her cheeks.

Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
"Okay, I won't."
Those were his last words to fiancé Ginger Alden, who told him not to fall asleep reading in the bathroom. He died there of a massive heart attack. In his last press conference, after a life lived in the press, Elvis' last words to the press were, "I hope I haven't bored you."

Sir Walter Raleigh (1554-1618)
"Strike, man, strike!"
Sir Walter Raleigh, a poet, historian, explorer, philosopher, and soldier, was the epitome of a Renaissance man. Unfortunately, Raleigh's anti-Spanish privateering infuriated King James I who charged him with treason in 1603. Raleigh was held, under sentence of death, in the Tower of London until 1616 when he was finally granted a reprieve. The reprieve was revoked in 1618 after Raleigh sailed to South America and attacked a Spanish camp near the Orinoco River. Upon his return to England, Raleigh was beheaded. Before his execution, Raleigh refused to be blindfolded and touched the ax, saying, "Doest thou think that I am afraid of it? This is that which will cure all sorrows." He then placed his head on the block and noting a hesitance on the part of the executioner said, "What dost thou fear?  Strike, man, strike!" It took two blows to sever his head, which his wife embalmed and kept in a red leather bag until her death 29 years later.

George "Superman" Reeves (1914-1959)
"I'm tired. I'm going back to bed."
George Reeves was an American actor most famous for playing Superman on the classic 1950's television series. Although Reeves had been a respected actor for years (one of his first important roles was as one of the Tarlton twins in Gone With the Wind), he became so typecast in his Superman role that he couldn't find work after the series ended in 1957. Late one night, while he was living with his finance and another friend, two other friends came to visit. Reeves became angry that he had been awakened and announced that he was going back to bed. He went back upstairs to his bedroom and shot himself in the head with a 30-caliber luger.

Frederic Remington (1861-1909)
"Cut 'er loose, Doc!"
Frederic Remington was the premier artist of the American West. In 1909, he developed an acute case of appendicitis. He spoke his last words to the surgeon just before his emergency appendectomy and died of peritonitis and other complications following the operation.

Cecil John Rhodes (1853-1902)
"So little done, so much to do."
Cecil Rhodes immigrated to South Africa from England for health reasons and made a fortune from gold and diamond mining. He died from heart disease, beset by personal scandals and discredited for his role in fomenting the Boer War. A colleague, sitting at his bedside, heard Rhodes murmur his last words.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945)
"I have a terrific headache."
Franklin Roosevelt was the thirty-second president of the United States and greatly expanded the role of the federal bureaucracy in attempting to manage economic and social issues. As president, he also led the nation through most of World War II. In February 1945, Roosevelt met with Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin at Yalta to plan the final months of the war and decide upon the organization of the post-war world. Bested by Stalin at the conference and exhausted by the negotiations, Roosevelt returned to the United States and took Lucy Page Mercer Rutherford, his long-time mistress and his wife's former secretary, with him to relax at his private getaway in Warm Springs, Georgia. There, while having his portrait painted, he remarked to the artist that he had a terrible headache, collapsed, and died of a cerebral hemorrhage. Of course, Mrs. Rutherford was spirited away before Roosevelt's wife, Eleanor, arrived.

Arnold Rothstein, AKA Mr. Big (1882-1928)
"Me mudder did it."
Arnold Rothstein was the notorious gangland money man who made a fortune on the 1919 World Series fix. Rothstein, a partner of Meyer Lansky, was shot while playing poker at Park Central Hotel in New York City on November 4, 1928. He was taken to Polyclinic Hospital where despite intensive police questioning he refused to name his killer. He appears as the fictional character, Meyer Wolfshiem, in F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel, The Great Gatsby.

George Herman "Babe" Ruth (1895-1948)
"I'm going over the valley."
Babe Ruth was one of the all-time greatest American baseball players. On June 13, 1948, he returned to Yankee Stadium in New York City to celebrate its 25th anniversary despite being gravely ill from throat cancer. He was admitted to the hospital a little over a week later but recovered enough to attend the premier of The Babe Ruth Story in late July. He became so weak during the screening that he departed before the movie finished and was readmitted to the hospital. On August 16, Ruth told a visitor, "Don't come back tomorrow.  I won't be here." Later that evening, he left his bed and began to wander about his room. A doctor noticed him and asked where he was going. Ruth answered, "I'm going over the valley." Ruth returned to his bed and lapsed into a coma and died within the hour.

Hector Hugh Munro, AKA Saki (1870-1916)
"Put that damned cigarette out!"
Spoken to a fellow soldier while in a trench during World War I, for fear the cigarette smoke would give away their positions. A German sniper who had heard his remark then shot him. Munro, better known by his pen name Saki, was a British writer, whose witty and sometimes macabre stories satirized Edwardian society and culture. He is considered to be a master of the short story. At the start of the war, although forty-three and officially over age, Munro joined the Army as an ordinary soldier, refusing a commission. More than once he returned to the battlefield when officially still too sick or injured to fight. He was sheltering in a shell crater in France in November 1916, when the German sniper killed him. Below are some delicious quotes from Saki stories.

         A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

         Hors d'oeuvres have always had a pathetic interest for me. They remind me of one's
         childhood that one goes through, wondering what the next course is going to be like —
         and during the rest of the menu one wishes one had eaten more of the hors d'oeuvres.

         I always say beauty is only sin deep.

         There are more ways of killing a cat than by choking it with cream, but I’m not sure that
         it’s not the best way.

         Forbidden fizz is the sweetest.

         He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

         Think how many blameless lives are brightened by the blazing indiscretions of other
         people.

         Every reformation must have its victims. You can't expect the fatted calf to share the
         enthusiasm of the angels over the prodigal son's return.

George Sanders (1906-1972)
"Dear World. I am leaving you because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck."
George Sanders was a British actor whose film career spanned four decades and included Rebecca, Foreign Correspondent, and All About Eve, for which he won an Oscar. The screen's epitome of a cad, Sanders was married four times in real life; his wives included two of the Gabor sisters, Zsa Zsa and Magda. In April 1972, Sanders checked into a hotel in Barcelona, wrote a short suicide note, and took an overdose of sleeping pills.

William Saroyan (1908-1981)
"Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what?"
William Saroyan was a Pulitzer Prize winning writer of plays, short stories, and novels whose works were noted for their sentimental optimism. Before his death in 1981, Saroyan telephoned his final words to the Associated Press.

Jannetje Johanna "Hannie" Schaft (1920-1945)
"I shoot better than you!"
Hannie was a Dutch resistance fighter during World War II. The Girl With The Red Hair was the title of a subsequent book and film about Hannie's life and death. The Nazis occupying her native Holland arrested her as a spy and, although there was an agreement between the Nazis and the Dutch not to execute women, she was shot dead three weeks before the end of the war by the Nazi occupiers. Well, consider the source. Two German soldiers took her to the infamous dunes of Bloemendaal, and one shot her there at close range. But he only wounded her. Then she brazenly said to her executioners: "I shoot better than you". Then they emptied their machine guns into her, killing her. After the war, in these dunes, the remains of 422 resistance people were found, 421 men and one woman, Hannie Schaft.

Jean Seberg (1938-1979)
"Forgive me. I can no longer live with my nerves."
Jean Seberg was an American actress, starring in thirty-four films in her career. Because of her support of the Black Panther Party, her private life became closely observed by FBI Director, J. Edgar Hoover. In 1970, when Seberg was seven months pregnant, the FBI leaked a story to the press that the child she was carrying was not fathered by her second husband, French author Romain Gary, but by a member of the Black Panther Party. Hoover turned out to be half-right. She gave birth to a girl, but the infant died two days later. Seberg publicly contended that the FBI's surveillance and slander of her had brought upon her premature labor, and subsequently, the death of her child. The child was proven to have not been fathered by a Black Panther, but was proven to have been fathered by someone other than her husband, a man named Carlos Navarra. Oops! After the loss of her child, she sank deeper into depression and became suicidal. She had a long history of alcoholism and prescription drug dependence, certainly not the best pre-natal care, with or without the FBI. Over the next few years, and two more husbands, she made several attempts to take her own life including throwing herself under a train on the Paris Metro. In August 1979, she was found dead in the back seat of her car in a Paris suburb. The police report stated that she had taken a massive overdose of barbiturates and alcohol. A suicide note ("Forgive me. I can no longer live with my nerves") was found in her hand, and suicide was ruled the official cause of death. I wonder if Hannie Schaft (previous) ever felt nervous.

General John "Uncle John" Sedgwick (1813-1864)
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
General John Sedgwick was a corps commander in the Army of the Potomac during the War between the States. At the battle of the Wilderness, while inspecting his troops, he approached a parapet and peered out over the surrounding countryside. His officers and men urged him to take cover from small arms fire, but Sedgwick scoffed at their concerns, "What! What men! This will never do, dodging from single bullets!" Sedgwick's Chief of Staff recorded that shortly thereafter Sedgwick saw another soldier drop to the ground as a sharp-shooter's bullet passed by with a long shrill whistle. Again, Sedgwick repeated his remark about the elephant, and the soldier replied that he'd been dodging bullets all day and that if he hadn't, one of them surely would have taken off his head. Sedgwick replied, laughingly, "All right, my man, go to your place."  No sooner had the words left his mouth then the general fell to the ground, blood spurting "in a little fountain" from a hole in his cheek, just under the left eye.

Ayrton Da Silva (1960-1994)
"The car seems OK..."
Ayrton Da Silva, Brazilian racecar driver, and triple Formula One World Champion, a few seconds before his steering column broke and his car hit the wall at the San Marino Grand Prix, killing him instantly.

Frank Sinatra (1915-1998)
"I'm losin' it."
According to his daughter Nancy, as told to Variety magazine.

Michael J. Smith (1945-1986)
"Uh oh..."
Michael J. Smith, crew member of the ill-fated Space Shuttle Challenger 51-L mission, his last statement was recorded on the spacecraft's cockpit recorder, immediately before the shuttle exploded, killing all aboard.

Robert Weston Smith, AKA Wolfman Jack (1938-1995)
"Oh, it is so good to be home!"
Veteran rock 'n' roll radio personality, and inductee to the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame, Wolfman Jack died of a heart attack in Belvidere, North Carolina, on July 1, 1995, at age fifty-seven. The night before his death, after finishing the broadcast of his last live radio program, a nationally syndicated weekly program from Planet Hollywood in Washington D.C., Wolfman Jack said, "I can't wait to get home and give Lou a hug, I haven't missed her this much in years." He had been out on the road, promoting his new autobiography Have Mercy!. When he got home, he entered his house, hugged his wife, said "Oh, it is so good to be home!", then suffered a coronary, and died in her arms.

Jack Soo (1917-1979)
"It must have been the coffee."
This was a reference to the running gag of Soo's character Nick Yemana from the TV show Barney Miller having the reputation for making horrible coffee. According to friend and fellow cast-member Hal Linden, these were Soo's last words before being taken into surgery for cancer of the esophagus. He died, never regaining consciousness.

Henry John Temple (1784-1865)
"Die, my dear doctor, that's the last thing I shall do!"
Henry John Temple was a British statesman who served twice as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the mid-19th century.

Dylan Marlais Thomas (1914-1953)
"I just had eighteen straight scotches. I think that's the record! After thirty-nine years, this is all I've done."
Welsh poet Dylan Thomas was regarded by many as one of the 20th century's most influential poets.

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"One world at a time."
Henry Thoreau was an American author, naturalist, transcendentalist, tax resister, and philosopher, best known for Walden, a reflection upon simple living in natural surroundings, and his essay, Civil Disobedience, an argument for individual resistance to an unjust state. In a discussion with his aunt, while on his deathbed, his aunt asked, "Have you made your peace with your God?" Thoreau replied, "I never quarreled with my God." The aunt continued, "But aren't you concerned about the next world?" Thoreau countered, "One world at a time."

Herbert Khaury, AKA "Tiny Tim" (1932-1996)
"No, I'm not!"
American ukulele player Tiny Tim suffered a heart attack while playing his only hit (thank God) "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" at a Gala Benefit. His wife asked him if he was okay and he said, "No, I'm not!" He then collapsed and later died at a hospital in Minnesota.

Timothy Treadwell (1957-2003)
"Get out here . . . I'm getting killed!"
Timothy Treadwell to his girlfriend, Amie Huguenard, as he was being mauled to death by a bear. Huguenard was also killed. Treadwell was an American bear enthusiast, environmentalist, amateur naturalist, and documentary filmmaker. He lived among the coastal grizzly bears of Katmai National Park in Alaska for approximately thirteen seasons. At the end of his thirteenth season in the park in 2003, he and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard were devoured and killed by one or possibly two grizzly bears. An audio recording of the attack survived, leaving us with his last words. Treadwell's life, work, and death were the subject of the 2005 documentary film titled Grizzly Man.

Vincent Willem van Gogh (1853-1890)
"The sadness will last forever."
Vincent van Gogh was a Dutch Post-Impressionist artist, pioneer of what came to be known as Expressionism, whose paintings and drawings include some of the world's best known, most popular and most expensive pieces. At the age of thirty-seven, after a life of depression and sadness, Vincent walked into a field and shot himself in the chest with a revolver. He then returned to his room at the Ravoux Inn, in Auvers-sur-Oise, France, where he died in his bed two days later. His brother Theo had hastened to be at his side and reported his last words.

Titus Flavius Sabinus Vespasian, Emperor (9-79)
"Woe is me, I think I am becoming a god."
Vespasian was a Roman emperor who rose from humble origins as a result of his military accomplishments. He was pronounced Emperor to resolve potential conflict following the death of Nero, and he worked hard to improve the life of the common Roman citizen.

Francisco "Pancho" Villa (1878-1923)
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
Pancho Villa was a Mexican bandit, revolutionary, and folk hero. He conducted a guerilla war against the national government for many years until he was granted amnesty and a hacienda in return for laying down his arms. He retired in Chihuahua, Mexico, but was assassinated by supporters of his long-time enemy, General Alvaro Obregon. Villa made his last request to newspaper reporters as he lay dying.

Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)
"I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have."
Leonardo da Vinci, the illegitimate son of a Tuscan notary and a peasant girl, was an Italian scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician, and writer.

Leonardo has often been described as the archetype of the "Renaissance Man" or universal genius, a man whose seemingly infinite curiosity was equaled only by his powers of invention. He is widely considered to be one of the greatest painters of all time and perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived.

It is primarily as a painter that Leonardo was and is renowned. Two of his works, the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper occupy unique positions as the most famous, most reproduced, and most parodied portrait and religious paintings of all time.

As an engineer, Leonardo conceived ideas vastly ahead of his own time, conceptualizing a helicopter, a tank, concentrated solar power, a calculator, and the double hull, and many, many, many others. Relatively few of his designs were constructed or even feasible during his lifetime, but some of his smaller inventions, such as an automated bobbin winder for sewing machines, and a machine for testing the tensile strength of wire, entered the world of manufacturing unheralded.

As a scientist, he greatly advanced the state of knowledge in the fields of anatomy, civil engineering, and hydrodynamics. And with his dying breath, he says, "I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have." C'mon Lenny, don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself? And today, after five hundred more years of 'evolution', we've got Hip-Hop music and bungee jumping.

Voltaire (1694-1778)
"Now, now, my good man. . . this is no time for making enemies."
Voltaire was a writer, essayist, deist, and philosopher of the French Enlightenment period. On his deathbed, he was urged by a priest to renounce Satan.

George Washington (1732-1799)
"'Tis well."
George Washington was a hero of the American Revolution, the first President of the United States, and the Father of Our Country. Some have claimed that Washington requested a Bible with his dying breath, but neither his doctors nor his private secretary recorded any such request, and they were all with him until the moment he died. Washington did tell one of his physicians, "Doctor, I die hard, but I am not afraid to go. My breath cannot last long." A short time later, he expressed concern that he not be buried alive, "I am just going. Have me decently buried, and do not let my body be put into the vault in less than three days after I am dead. Do you understand?" "Yes, sir," the doctor replied. "'Tis well," answered Washington.

Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
"I still live."
Daniel Webster was a U.S. statesman and lawyer who became well known throughout the nation for his exceptional oratory and impassioned defense of the Constitution.

Herbert George "H. G." Wells (1866-1946)
"Go away. I'm all right." 
H. G. Wells was an English writer and social theorist. One of his time's most influential writers, he, along with Jules Verne, is credited with inventing Science Fiction. His best-known novels, The Invisible Man, The Time Machine, and The War of the Worlds are still frequently read today, and his one-volume history of the world is recognized as the best ever compiled by a single author.

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Either the wallpaper goes, or I do."
Oscar Wilde was an Irish playwright, novelist, poet, author of short stories, and all-around degenerate. An outspoken socialist, anarchist, pacifist, and pedophile, Wilde was the defendant in a famous trial, where he defended his ongoing affair with a seventeen year-old boy named Robert Ross as "the love that dares not speak its name". How poetic. Wilde was convicted of "gross indecency" (less poetic perhaps, but much more accurate), and sentenced to two years of hard labor. After his release, and hardly rehabilitated, he dallied with "all the little boys on the Boulevard" and in his last letter to his boyfriend, Ross, Wilde laments, "Today I bade good-bye, with tears and one kiss, to the beautiful Greek boy. . . he is the nicest boy you ever introduced to me." Beautiful stuff, that. It was in the Left Bank hotel where he died, from syphilis, that he uttered his last words. Consider me a fan of the wallpaper.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)
"I am ready."
Woodrow Wilson was a devout Presbyterian, intellectual, twenty-eighth President of the United States, and our Commander-In-Chief during World War I.

Henry Wirz, Captain, C.S.A. (1823-1865)
"This is too tight."
Captain Wirz was a Swiss-born Confederate officer who had the misfortune to be given command of the infamous Andersonville prison camp following his recovery from wounds received at the Battle of Seven Pines. Thousands of Union prisoners died from the poor conditions at Andersonville (as they did at nearly every other Civil War prison camp). Following the war, Wirz was tried for conspiring to "impair and injure the health and to destroy the lives of large numbers of Federal prisoners at Andersonville, and ordering or personally committing acts of assault or murder. Despite a complete lack of evidence Wirz was convicted and hung.

Hiram King "Hank" Williams (1923-1953)
"Nope."
Hank Williams, considered by all to be the Shakespeare of Country Music, composed some of the most beautiful songs in the history of popular culture. His lyrics were so haunting and filled with sad and beautiful imagery, that it is with great irony that, on Hank's last ride, when his driver stopped in Bristol, Virginia and asked him if he wanted anything to eat, Hank Williams, undeniably the greatest poet country music had ever known, said his last words on the planet, "Nope."

Malcolm X (1925-1965)
"Brothers! Brothers, please! Be cool, this is a house of peace!"
Malcolm X, born Malcolm Little, was an ex-convict, American Muslim minister, and a spokesman for the Nation Of Islam. On February 21, 1965, in Manhattan's Audubon Ballroom, Malcolm had just begun delivering a speech when a disturbance broke out in the crowd. Two men were staging a fight as a diversion, prior to shooting him. Malcolm was shot first in the chest with a sawed-off shotgun. Two other men charged the stage and fired handguns at Malcolm, who was shot sixteen times in all. All three men were captured, tried, and convicted. And all three killers were brothers of Malcolm's, members of the Nation Of Islam, the 'religion of peace'. Huge shock there.

Florenz Ziegfeld (1869-1932)
"Curtain! Fast music! Lights! Ready for the last finale! Great! The show looks good. The show looks good."
Florenz Ziegfeld was a famous Broadway producer whose musical reviews featured fantastic sets and beautiful women. He died hallucinating that he was directing one last show. In the 1936 Oscar winning movie, The Great Ziegfeld, William Powell plays Ziegfeld, and his last words are, "I've got to have more steps! I need more steps! I've got to get higher! Higher!"

EPITAPHS

Gracie Allen       George Burns
(1926-1964)                (1896-1996)

TOGETHER AGAIN

One of the most popular American comedy teams ever, George Burns and his wife, Gracie Allen, first performed together in vaudeville in 1922 and continued their act on radio and television until 1958, when illness forced Gracie's retirement. George's beloved Gracie died in 1964, but George continued to perform in movies and on television until his death at 100 in 1996.

Mel Blanc
(1908-1989)

THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!

Mel Blanc first achieved fame providing comical voices for radio programs to include The Jack Benny Program, Burns and Allen, and The Abbott and Costello Show. He found his true calling, though, as the voice of scores of cartoon characters during the golden years of American animation. Blanc's characters include Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Woody Woodpecker, Tweety Bird, Sylvester, Yosemite Sam, the Tasmanian Devil, Barney Rubble, Dino, Cosmo G. Spacely, Secret Squirrel, and many, many more. "That's all folks" is, of course, Porky Pig's sign-off for Warner Brothers cartoons.

George Washington Carver
(1864-1943)

He could have added fortune to fame,
but caring for neither,
he found happiness and honor
in being helpful to the world.

Botanical researcher and botanist, Carver worked at the Tuskegee Institute in Alabama, teaching former slaves farming techniques for self-sufficiency. He is most remembered for his research on, and promotion of, the peanut. He created about 100 existing industrial products from peanuts, including cosmetics, dyes, paints, plastics, gasoline, and nitroglycerin. Although his industrial products from peanuts excited the public imagination, none became a successful commercial product. There are many myths about Carver, especially the myth that his industrial products from peanuts played a major role in revolutionizing Southern agriculture.

Viscount Robert Stewart Castlereagh
(1769-1822)

POSTERITY WILL NE'ER SURVEY
A NOBLER GRAVE THAN THIS.
HERE LIES THE BONES OF CASTLEREAGH
STOP, TRAVELER, AND PISS.

Castlereagh was a productive and competent Anglo-Irish politician who represented the United Kingdom at Congress of Vienna and played an influential role in the passage of the Irish Act of Union. Despite his numerous successes and achievements, Castlereagh was despised by many. He began to exhibit signs of paranoia in 1821, and confided one of his long-standing, but unfounded worries to King George IV. He was afraid of being blackmailed for having homosexual contact with a soldier at a non-descript pub. King George advised him to consult with a physician for his paranoia. Instead, Castlereagh returned to his country estate and killed himself by cutting his own throat with a letter opener. Londoners jeered at his funeral procession, and cheered loudly when his casket was taken into Westminster Abbey for internment. Lord Byron, one of Castlereagh's many detractors, composed an epitaph that, mercifully, was not used.

Emily Dickinson
(1830-1886)

CALLED BACK

Although today Dickinson is one of the best-known American poets of the nineteenth century, she lived an isolated and secluded life and was practically unknown during her lifetime. Only seven of her 1800 poems were published while she lived, all anonymously.

Francis Scott Key "F. Scott" Fitzgerald
(1896-1940)

SO WE BEAT ON, BOATS,
AGAINST THE CURRENT
BORNE BACK CEASELESSLY
INTO THE PAST

This is the last line in F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic novel, The Great Gatsby. Fitzgerald was an American writer, whose works are evocative of the Jazz Age, a term he coined himself. He is widely regarded as one of the twentieth century's great writers. Fitzgerald is considered a member of the Lost Generation, Americans born in the 1890s who came of age during World War I.

Benjamin Franklin
(1706-1790)

HERE LIES THE BODY OF
B. FRANKLIN, PRINTER
(LIKE THE COVER OF AN OLD BOOK
ITS CONTENTS TURN OUT
AND STRIPT OF IT'S LETTERING & GILDING)
LIES HERE, FOOD FOR WORMS.
BUT THE WORK SHALL NOT BE LOST;
FOR IT WILL (AS HE BELIEV'D)
APPEAR ONCE MORE
IN A NEW AND MORE ELEGANT EDITION
REVISED AND CORRECTED
BY THE AUTHOR

Benjamin Franklin was one of the most important and influential Founding Fathers of the United States of America. Franklin was a leading author and printer, satirist, political theorist, politician, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, diplomat, and revolutionary. As a scientist, he was a major figure in the Enlightenment and the history of physics for his discoveries and theories regarding electricity. He invented the lightning rod, bifocals, the Franklin stove, a carriage odometer, and a musical instrument Franklin called the "armonica" (the Italian word for harmony). He formed both the first public lending library in America and first fire department in Pennsylvania. He was an early proponent of colonial unity, and as a political writer and activist he, more than anyone, invented the idea of an American nation. As a diplomat during the American Revolution, he secured the French alliance that helped to make independence possible. When Ben Franklin was only 22 years old, he penned this epitaph. Sixty-four years later, he died peacefully in his sleep. His funeral in Philadelphia attracted over 20,000, which was at the time the largest gathering of mourners ever assembled in America. When Franklin's will was read, he left instructions not to use the epitaph, but to place a single line on his tombstone: "Benjamin and Deborah Franklin: 1790."

Robert Lee Frost
(1874-1963)

I HAD A LOVER'S QUARREL WITH THE WORLD

Robert Frost is a revered American poet. His work, frequently using themes from rural New England in the early 1900s, used the setting to examine complex social and philosophical themes. A popular and often-quoted poet, Frost was honored frequently during his lifetime, receiving four Pulitzer Prizes, and like many poets, Robert Frost wrote his own epitaph.

Herbert John "Jackie" Gleason
(1916-1987)

AND AWAY WE GO!

Jackie Gleason was an iconic American comedian, actor, and musician. One of the most popular stars of early television, Gleason was respected for both comedic and dramatic roles. However, his major legacy was his brash but lovable visual and verbal comedy styling, especially as delivered by the character Ralph Kramden on the pioneering sitcom, and my own personal favorite, The Honeymooners. Jackie truly was what he called himself, simply, "The Greatest." In the 1960s, he starred in The Jackie Gleason Show, filmed live from "the sun and fun capitol of the world, beautiful downtown Miami Beach", which became the second-highest rated television show in the country. Gleason would do an opening monologue, then, accompanied by "a little travelin' music" ("That's A-Plenty," a Dixieland chestnut from 1914), he would shuffle toward the wing, clapping his hands inversely and hollering, "And awa-a-aay we go!" The phrase became one of his trademarks and a national catchphrase.

Carl Jung
(1875-1961)

VOCATUS ATQUE
NON VOCATUS
DEUS ADERIT

(CALLED OR NOT CALLED GOD IS PRESENT)

Carl Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist, influential thinker, and founder of analytical psychology. His most notable ideas include the mystical concept of the Jungian archetype, the collective unconscious, and his theory of synchronicity. Jung emphasized the importance of balance and harmony. He cautioned that modern humans rely too heavily on science and logic and would benefit from integrating spirituality and appreciation of the unconscious realm.

Stan Laurel
(1980-1965)

If anyone at my funeral has a long face,
I'll never speak to him again

In 1961, Laurel won a Lifetime Achievement Academy Award for his pioneering work in the field of comedy. He had achieved his lifelong dream as a comedian and had been involved in nearly 190 films. He spent his final years living in a small apartment in the Oceana Hotel in Santa Monica, California. Always gracious to fans, he spent much of this time meticulously answering fan mail. His phone number was listed in the Santa Monica telephone directory, and fans were amazed that they could simply dial the listed number and find themselves talking to Stan Laurel. Comic till the end, Laurel wrote his own epitaph.

Charles Augustus Lindbergh 
(1902-1974)

IF I TAKE THE WINGS OF THE MORNING
AND DWELL IN THE UTTERMOST PARTS OF THE SEA

The Lindbergh epitaph is taken from his favorite Psalm, Psalms 139:9, "If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” Charles Lindbergh, known as "Lucky Lindy" and "The Lone Eagle", was an American hero, famous for the first solo, non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean. Lindbergh made history, flying from New York to Paris in 1927, in his equally famous plane, the Spirit Of St. Louis. In the ensuing deluge of fame, Lindbergh became the world's best-known aviator. James Stewart portrayed Lindbergh in the biographical motion picture, The Spirit Of St. Louis (1957), directed by Billy Wilder.

In an incident widely known as the "Lindbergh Kidnapping", the Lindbergh's first child, Charles III, was kidnapped at 20 months of age from their home in 1932. A $50,000 ransom was paid, but the infant was not returned. After a massive investigation, the baby's lifeless body was found, and two years later, a German convict and prison escapee, who had entered the United States illegally (sound familiar?) was arrested for kidnapping and murder. The trial, conviction, and execution of Bruno Hauptmann gained international infamy, and became known as "The Crime of the Century".

Lindbergh's speeches and writings later in life emphasized his love of both technology and nature, and a lifelong belief that "all the achievements of mankind have value only to the extent that they preserve and improve the quality of life." In honor of Charles and his wife Anne Morrow Lindbergh's vision of achieving balance between the technological advancements they helped pioneer, and the preservation of the human and natural environments, the Lindbergh Award was established in 1978. Each year since 1978, the Lindbergh Foundation has given the award to recipients whose work has made a significant contribution toward that concept of "balance".

Roger Eugene Maris
(1934-1985)

61/61
AGAINST ALL ODDS

Roger Maris grew up, a quiet kid, in Fargo, North Dakota. He was signed to the fabled New York Yankees in 1959, and in 1960, he led the league in slugging, RBIs, extra base hits, and total bases. He also won a Gold Glove and was named the American League's Most Valuable Player. In spite of all this success, the New York fans and press couldn't stand him. This was due to his introverted, "Aw shucks" Mid-Western background, and his lack of witticisms and one-liners to feed to the press. Maris just couldn't compete with Yogi Berra, Billy Martin, and Mickey Mantle when came to the media, and New York was a media machine. Unfortunately for Roger, he just played baseball. The following year, Maris and Mantle both attacked the revered Babe Ruth's long-standing, and untouchable record of 60 home runs in a single season. The press and fans openly rooted against Maris and for Mantle.

On top of his lack of popular press coverage, Maris' chase for 61 hit another roadblock totally out of his control: along with adding two teams to the league, Major League Baseball had added 8 games to the schedule. In the middle of the season, baseball commissioner Ford Frick announced that unless Ruth's record was broken in the first 154 games of the season, the new record would be shown in the record books as having been set in 162 games while the previous record set in 154 games would also be shown. It is an urban legend, probably invented by New York sportswriter Dick Young, that an asterisk would be used to distinguish the new record. Commissioner Frick failed to consider that Ruth never had to play night games, or travel back and forth to the West Coast. According to The Baseball Hall of Shame, Frick made the ruling because, during his days as a newspaper reporter, he had been a close friend of Ruth's.

When Mantle went down with a leg injury late in the season, the New York fans and sportswriters continued to opine loudly that Maris would not eclipse their beloved Bambino's total. Maris became so affected by the pressure of the Babe's record, the constant hate mail and death threats, and his treatment by the local press, that even his hair started coming out in clumps. After being maligned so unfairly, for so long, Maris finally and flatly refused to talk to the press. That made matters worse. Throughout the spectacle that was the '61 season, and his chasing Ruth's record, Roger maintained his cool and his silence, which seemed to further infuriate his detractors. Maris failed to reach 61 in 154 games (he had only 59 after 154 games). He broke the record, hitting his 61st, on the last day of the season before only a few thousand fans in Yankee Stadium.

No asterisk was subsequently used in any record books - Major League baseball itself had no official record book, and Frick later acknowledged that there never was official qualification of Maris' accomplishment. However, Maris remained bitter about the experience. Speaking at the 1980 All-Star game, he said of that season, "They acted as though I was doing something wrong, poisoning the record books or something. Do you know what I have to show for 61 home runs? Nothing. Exactly nothing." Roger Maris died in December 1985 of lymphoma, and is currently not in the Baseball Hall Of Fame, despite his two MVP awards and despite the fact that he held the major league home run record for three years longer than the Babe. The home run record, like all of baseball, is now a sham. The major league's hallowed home run record has been broken twice in the last ten years. Unfortunately, there are no asterisks used for players breaking records with steroids.

Henry Louis "H. L." Mencken
(1880-1956)

                                         IF AFTER I DEPART THIS VALE
                                          YOU EVER REMEMBER ME
                                          AND HAVE THOUGHT TO
                                          PLEASE MY GHOST
                                          FORGIVE SOME SINNER
                                          AND WINK YOUR EYE
                                          AT SOME HOMELY GIRL

H. L. Mencken was an American journalist, essayist, magazine editor, satirist, acerbic critic of American life and culture, and a student of American English. Mencken is perhaps best remembered today for The American Language, a multi-volume study of how the English language is spoken in the United States and his satirical reporting on Tennessee's Scopes Trial, which he named the "Monkey" trial. Mencken suggested this epitaph in The Smart Set. After his death, it was inscribed on a plaque in the lobby of The Baltimore Sun.

Leroy "Satchel" Paige
(1906-1982)

                                                   HOW TO STAY YOUNG

                       1. AVOID FRIED MEATS WHICH ANGRY UP THE BLOOD.
                       2. IF YOUR STOMACH DISPUTES YOU, LIE DOWN
                           AND PACIFY IT WITH COOL THOUGHTS.
                       3. KEEP THE JUICES FLOWING BY JANGLING
                           AROUND GENTLY AS YOU MOVE.
                       4. GO VERY LIGHT ON THE VICES, SUCH AS
                           CARRYING ON IN SOCIETY.
                           THE SOCIAL RAMBLE AIN'T RESTFUL.
                       5. AVOID RUNNING AT ALL TIMES.
                       6. DON'T LOOK BACK. SOMETHING MIGHT BE
                           GAINING ON YOU.

Satchel Paige was one of the greatest baseball pitchers of all time. He played professional or semi-pro ball for over for over thirty-three years, his best seasons being with the Kansas City Monarchs of the old Negro League. Paige claimed to have mastered thirteen different, highly unusual pitches including the Hesitation Pitch (which was eventually ruled illegal), the Bat Dodger, the Four-Day Creeper, the Bee Ball, and the Two Hump Blooper. A baseball barnstormer and legend in his own lifetime, Paige pitched in the 1953 Major League All-Star Game at forty-seven years of age.

Buford H. Pusser
(1937-1974)

HE WALKED TALL

Buford Pusser was a legendary Tennessee sheriff who, despite repeated violent attacks, including one that killed his wife, used his wooden club to virtually single-handedly clean-up the organized crime in McNairy County that had been long sanctioned by the local Democratic political machine. His story has directly inspired several books and movies, and at least one TV series. Joe Don Baker portrayed Pusser in 1973's Walking Tall.

Will Rogers
(1879-1935)

IF YOU LIVE LIFE RIGHT
DEATH IS A JOKE
AS FAR AS FEAR IS CONCERNED

Will Rogers was a Cherokee-American cowboy, comedian, humorist, social commentator, vaudeville performer and actor. When Will Rogers died in a plane crash with Wiley Post in 1935, he was the most read newspaper columnist in America, hosted the most listened to radio show in America, and was the number one male box office star in America.

George Herman "Babe" Ruth
(1895-1948)

MAY THAT DIVINE SPIRIT
THAT ANIMATED BABE RUTH
TO WIN THE CRUCIAL GAME OF LIFE
INSPIRE THE YOUTH OF AMERICA

Babe Ruth, also popularly known as "Babe", "The Bambino", and "The Sultan of Swat", was named the greatest baseball player in history in several surveys and rankings, his home run hitting prowess and charismatic personality made him a larger than life figure while a New York Yankee during the "Roaring Twenties". He was the first player to hit 60 home runs in one season (1927), a record that stood for 34 years until broken by Roger Maris in 1961. Ruth's lifetime total of 714 home runs at his retirement in 1935 was a record for 39 years, until broken by Hank Aaron in 1974. The Babe died from cancer in 1948, shortly after he attended the premier showing of The Babe Ruth Story. John Cardinal Spellman wrote Ruth's epitaph.

William Shakespeare
(1564-1616)

GOOD FRIEND, FOR JESUS SAKE FORBEAR
TO DIG THE DUST ENCLOSED HERE
BLEST BE THE MAN THAT SPARES THESE STONES
AND CURST BE HE THAT MOVES MY BONES

William Shakespeare was an English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the history of the English language, and the world's pre-eminent dramatist. Shakespeare is buried at the Holy Trinity Church in Stratford. It is said that he personally composed his epitaph.

Myra Maybelle Shirley "Belle" Starr
(1848-1889)

SHED NOT THE BITTER TEAR
NOR GIVE THE HEART TO VAIN REGRET
TIS BUT THE CASKET THAT LIES HERE
THE GEM THAT FILLED IT SPARKLES YET

According to legend, the Bandit Queen and outlaw, Belle Starr had been a spy, a Confederate General, the brains behind many outlaw gang, and the consort of nearly every western fugitive including all of the Younger Brothers. In 1889, she was killed by a shotgun blast while horseback riding. Although there were multiple suspects including both of her children, her killer was never identified.

Unknown U.S. Soldier
Arlington National Cemetery

HERE RESTS IN HONORED GLORY
AN AMERICAN SOLDIER
KNOWN BUT TO GOD

Unknown U.S. Soldier
Guadalcanal

When You Go Home
Tell Them Of Us And Say
For Their Tomorrow
We Gave Our Today

Unknown U.S. Soldier
Guadalcanal

And when he gets to Heaven
To Saint Peter he will tell:
One more Marine reporting, Sir!
I’ve done my time in Hell.

A beautiful poem, written by W. H. Auden, "Epitaph For An Unknown Soldier", goes like this...
To save your world you asked this man to die; Would this man, could he see you now, ask why?

Hiram King "Hank" Williams
(1923-1953)

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU GAVE ME
THERE COULD BE NO ONE STRONGER
THANK YOU FOR THE MANY BEAUTIFUL SONGS
THEY WILL LIVE LONG AND LONGER

Hank Williams' cold cold heart finally stopped on a cold New Year's night somewhere between Knoxville, Tennessee and Canton, Ohio. Williams, scheduled to perform a show in Canton, and unable to fly due to bad weather, had been injected with B-12 and morphine by a quack doctor in Knoxville, and was carried into the back seat of his Cadillac for the trip. After a stop in Bristol, Tennessee, where Hank uttered his last words, his chauffeur stopped again in Oak Hill, West Virginia. There he discovered Williams dead in the back seat, along with the lyrics to an unfinished song, "Then Came That Fateful Day."

Murderer's Row
Last words of condemned criminals at their execution


George Appel
"Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked apple."

Jeffrey Barney
"I'm tingling all over."

James French
"How about this for a headline? French fries."

Gary Gilmore
"Let's do it."

Thomas J. Grasso
"I did not get my Spaghetti-Os. I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."

Edward E. Johnson
"I guess no one's going to call."

Richard A. Loeb
"I think I'm going to make it."

Dr. William Palmer
(asked his executioner this as he stepped onto the trapdoor of the gallows)
"Is this safe?"

James Roges
(when asked if he had any last request before facing the firing squad)
"Why yes, a bullet proof vest."

John Spenkelink
"Capital punishment; them without the capital - get the punishment."

The Curtain Falls

   On November 9, 1963, thirteen days before President Kennedy was killed, Bobby Darin gave his final, farewell nightclub performance at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas. This song, The Curtain Falls, was his last number. I wrote the first Lightnin' Lowdown in March 2005, three years ago, almost to the day. During that time, a whole lot has happened to me, and for me, in my personal life, and in my professional life. One of the things that most impacted both my personal and my professional life, was saying farewell to nightclub performances. The very first chapter of the Lightnin' Lowdown was written in response to my leaving the last of those old haunts behind. You see, for years I thought that since bars and nightclubs were where my music was being played (and where musicians were being hired), that bars and nightclubs were where I had to play my music to earn my living. But I was wrong. And when I stepped out of that world, in a leap of faith, my whole life opened up in new, exciting, and unbelievable ways for my music, my family, and me. Now, three years later, I am playing more music, more often, for more money, and more happily, than I ever thought possible. The new and improved Lightnin' Charlie plays good music for good people. And all I had to do was let go and let God. He's put me here. He took me off the bottom. And He's not done with me yet. Here we are at the beginning of a new chapter. It's been wonderful having a friend like you to tell all this to. Thanks for coming along. It's been great sharing the ride with you, but now, the curtain falls.

Off comes the makeup
Off comes the clown's disguise
The curtain's fallin'
The music softly dies.

But I hope your smilin'
As you're filin' out the door
As they say in this biz
That's all there is...there isn't anymore.

We've shared a moment
And as the moment ends
I've got a funny feelin'
We're parting now as friends.

Your cheers and laughter will linger after
They've torn down these dusty walls
If I had this to do again
And the evening were new again
I would spend it with you again
But now the curtain falls.

Your cheers and laughter will linger after
They've torn down these dusty walls
People say I was made for this
Nothin' else would I trade for this
And to think I get paid for this...

Goodnight ladies and gentlemen. God bless you.

Lightnin' Charlie, March 2008

Stay tuned for my new book
OFF THE RECORD
The Trials and Tribulations of a Travelin' Troubadour

It will be the Lightnin' Lowdowns compiled in book form, complete and revised.
OFF THE RECORD will be available here and at my shows May 2nd!!!

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